Trust as defined by Merriam-Webster: assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something
When I read that I had to ask myself if I truly trust anyone.
I went back over the current iteration of my own rules of life and was reminded that the very first rule that I created is
1. Don’t trust anyone, including yourself.
The first half was created as a medical student. Those of us that are physicians know full well how cutthroat other students can be. People who believe that putting others down helps to elevate themselves. As ‘they’ say, No Good Deed Goes Unpunished and I was punished a lot. Not that it really changed me much. My residents saw how hard I was working and usually they rewarded me accordingly. There are cutthroat residents as well that are willing to take full credit for your work. I didn’t have or need to backstab since I wasn’t gunning for the number one spot in that rotation nor did I have aspirations for the elite money-making fields in medicine. I’m a pediatrician. Seriously. We’re generally not in this for the money.
The second half I added as a physician. Sometimes we make decisions that don’t turn out as we plan. I’ll leave it at that.
No matter how it started the rule applies quite accurately to my non-medical life as well.
In my unfortunate relationship journey I continue to run across the “I won’t call you and you just need to assume that I don’t want to see you anymore.” Not what I consider a mature act from women. Perhaps I just have unrealistic expectations based on their ages and professions. Handling mergers, prosecuting or defending clients, and saving lives apparently doesn’t help someone to achieve a skill to be a good communicator outside of work.
In my most recent endeavor I had the opportunity to go out with another professional. During a conversation on relationships and before I even thought of it, she made it a point to state that the majority of her relationships ended well. One or the other was able to just say it wasn’t working. Wow! A rare oddity. It was a great feeling to believe this.
Unfortunately I was wrong. The last few conversations (paraphrased) were:
1 phone: me: dinner tomorrow? her: i have plans with the family this weekend.
2. text four days later: me: hope you had a good time with the family. vietnamese this weekend? her: I have reading to catch up on this weekend.
-also plausible. she’s a PhD student but she also told me she’s only been putting in a few hours a day. i had a friend that worked on her PhD. I remember how on/off busy things could get.
3. text today: me: back in town, meet up for coffee? her: I think I see us more like friends. Thank you for your company though.
-finally truth. wonder if she would have said anything?
I admit that I like closure. Too many ideas roll through my head. I know I’m not the swiftest and am concrete too often.
Trust. I wonder if I’m too naive to have believed she would have broken the pattern. Granted we did talk about her problems getting into relationships because she over thinks them and runs them through her mind before they really even start.
Life is interesting. Sometimes it’s the same lesson that we need to relearn again. But is it the right lesson? I feel that I violate my first rule on a daily basis. Part of me doesn’t want to trust but I can’t help myself. And in my next relationship, I’ll trust again and get hurt again. Thankfully, like this, it doesn’t always hurt much. Quite a dilemma though.
while sitting in bed trying to keep from hacking up one of my lungs i came to see a new lesson.. or question. at the end of the end. am i a trustworthy person. no matter what anyone else might say on either side, maybe it’s time to remove the second half of the rule. we make mistakes in life. you learn. you move on. something to ponder over sleep.