That got your attention didn’t it?

Merriam Webster definition of SUICIDE
1a: the act or an instance of taking one’s own life voluntarily and intentionally especially by a person of years of discretion and of sound mind
1b: ruin of one’s own interests
1c: apoptosis
2: one that commits or attempts suicide
First Known Use: 1643

Time will tell if this is a short piece or a long piece.

Today I had a failure. A monstrously huge failure of epic proportions. I broke down and had a soda today. Not just any soda but regular high fructose corn syrup soda. For those interested it was half/half dr. pepper and pepsi. I’ve been very good for at least a month, probably longer, about having nothing more than a sip or two of soda once a week. But today it was 14oz of soda with lunch AND banana pudding. When thinking about my poor choices I continued to make worse ones later choosing a cookie and brownie when the opportunity arose. I haven’t actually had the cookie or brownie, yet. Then of course I see a child with a very large soda and eating cheetos, a very common sighting in albuquerque.

So the question arose… could this be considered a form of suicide. I meet 1a and 1b at the same time. Supposedly I’m ‘of years’ and ‘of sound mind’. I’m also voluntarily choosing this food/drink and putting it into my mouth, chewing and swallowing. I’m also ruining my own interests by harming my body. This is just the physical side of things. Could the self put down/self-depreciation be a mental form of suicide? While the taking of my own life isn’t immediate, being of less sound mind and body will decrease my life expectancy by ‘x’ amount of time. Or if not by time than the morbidity will decrease the quality of my life.

I guess this is a short piece as there are ideas to ponder.

You’re truly,

Santa’s Fallen Angel

Honesty or the version that best looks like it

Please feel free to leave comments. Something you say may just open up someone else’s mind, a gift that keeps giving.

Merriam Webster Definition of HONESTY

obsolete : chastity
2a: fairness and straightforwardness of conduct
2b: adherence to the facts : sincerity
3: any of a genus (Lunaria) of European herbs of the mustard family with toothed leaves and flat disk-shaped siliques

So today I will be talking about herbs of the mustard family and how we can eat things like dandelions and chia seeds to enhance our lives. Or maybe I’m not and will try 2a/2b since I’ve never eaten a dandelion and never even owned a chia pet or eaten chia seeds.

So. Honesty. The don’t lie to me version instead.

Why do we even lie to begin with? I know some of my reasons. An acceptable lie being “of course no one is at your house to scare the bejesus out of you for your birthday.” Another would be “nope. no one here pointing a gun at me. you should probably just leave anyway.” I think I would completely say those things and be just fine. The #1 reason though being Fear. Good ole’ fashion Fear. That’s right with a capital F (not capitol since this isn’t a building). The kind of fear like when you’re a med student/resident and you’re getting pimped and you’re so exhausted you can’t think straight and when you’re asked a question you just make up the answer. Ironically, while I’ve been accused of this as a resident, I never did it. I gave the best information I had with full knowledge that I didn’t know very much. No reason to lie. Even as a med student I didn’t need to. I think my years in EMS taught me a little more self-confidence in dealing with ‘doctors’. My first ED rotation as an intern got me an interesting evaluation with some of the attendings thinking that I was overconfident, probably not knowing my EMS background lending to my confidence and comfort in the ER. I digress.

Have I lied in fear before. You betcha. I used to worry a lot more about what people thought of me and what consequences would be based on x y and z. Fits the modern idea of Politics. That maneuvering we associate these days with backstabbing and lying and doing whatever it takes to get what you want even if it involves going back on the things you’ve just said you will do or believe in. What’s a little lie now if it gets you what you want. You can blame someone else later. Eventually I realized I didn’t really care so much. Just do what I’m doing the best that I can and if I can go home with a clear conscience and sleep well, I’m doing alright. Now don’t get some idea that life became better and angels started singing. They were probably laughing their asses off at me. Actually, do angels have asses? Do you crap in heaven? I don’t remember that being addressed in the bible. Squirrel! (for those of you that get the joke)

I wonder if I’ve just offended anyone? Those were honest questions weren’t they? Brings up the notion of ‘too honest’ as I hear it. Truth is truth isn’t it? How could it be more truthful? We’re not talking about a white lie or lie of omission.

Anyway, these days most people who know me know that I just answer the question if you ask it. You might really hate the answer so you have to be very careful asking it. They answer might also be, “None of your damn business”. That’s still an answer in my book. You really want to know how you look in those jeans or just want someone to lie to you and stroke your ego? I’ll tell you if they are too small… if you ask me. Maybe too honest would be just offering my opinion without being asked. Food for thought.

What do I have to fear in life right now that I need to worry about the need of a lie? I’m single and have no real ties to anything. Am I worried I might get fired? Not really. I can go back to Locums or move and find a new job. Onto the next instance.

How many times in a relationship, the couple type, has there been a problem because someone just didn’t tell the truth. Isn’t the basic mantra that the media portrays is to tell the truth. Be honest. Don’t lie to loved ones. But how many people really want the truth? No seriously. You ask for it. You say you want someone to tell you like it is. But when someone does you get really upset and that “you hurt my feelings.” You’re right. I took my mechanical pencil and stabbed you in the feelings. I think it’s located about 2 cm above and 1 cm to the right of the belly button. Or I used my jedi/ninja mind control abilities and made you feel something you didn’t want to or these weren’t the right droids. Perhaps you chose to feel the way you wanted to feel. You chose to become hurt. I’ve said her name before. Check her out. Pema Chodron. It won’t be the last.

We interpret what people say to us and we choose how we want to react to said people. When I say something that pisses someone off from something misinterpreted, the first thing I usually ask them, if they are still even listening, is if it is something they would think I would do or say. If the answer is yes. Game over. Nothing will work at that point. But if the answer is no then I simply ask you to reevaluate what you thought and your response and see where it is coming from inside of you. There are plenty of times we may snap at someone because we had one really shitty day (or a string of them) and we just lost it in that moment. I’ve done it and you’ve done it. That’s reality. Now flip that thought. Someone just snapped at you and tried to take a big fuckin’ chunk out of your ass. Do you choose to get pissed right back for that small sliver in time you just went through or do you wonder if they had a really shitty day and just lost it in that moment and give them the smallest chance that they didn’t mean it. Once again, don’t take this too far. I’m not Jesus. I don’t always turn the other cheek. Once may be an accident, more is probably a habit. Also, there are gradations in life. Stress and worrying are relatives in the scheme of things. For the most part I don’t worry that the bus is going to explode or someone is going to suicide bomb in my grocery store. I don’t worry about shellings or being assassinated. I generally don’t worry about my skin color or citizenship. I have food. I have clothing. I have shelter. And I have companionship on those days I want it. My stress and worrying just don’t really even tip the scales from a global perspective.

Well, I’ve gotten off topic but that’s a good thing. It reminds me that I need to get to sleep. So good night.

Yours Truly,

Santa’s Fallen Angel

Thinking ahead…

Yes! From now on to celebrate our love of tech and merging of body and tech for next years valentines instead of saying “would you be my valentine” we should say “would you be my +1”.