Death and dying happen. It has happened and it’s going to happen again, to me, to you, to everyone. This is something that I had been thinking about again recently as I was going through some photos but hadn’t really planned on writing about. Continue reading
Tag Archives: Health
be at peace
I wrote the next part for someone else for their situation and they were encouraged. I felt it would be good to share this with you all in case it might resonate with someone else. While this has a religious feel to it, I disclose that yes I believe in something be it a spirit guide, ghost, presence, group conscience, interdimensional communication with an alternate timeline at a different rate of speed, etc etc etc, it still felt right writing it this way.
emotions help to make us human. we are not robots to blindly trudge through life. the pain we feel inside also indicates that we care. one who doesn’t feel the lowness of pain may also not be able to feel the height of joy. while two work to be one we are still ourselves in His eyes. in the end it is our life that is judged. therefore IN life while we may strive to be joined to another our needs and wants need to be met. hold fast to yourself. the pain may never dissappear but it will lessen. logic will help dampen it. we learn from life to better face today.
benefit of the doubt
We hear this phrase often. We teach it to kids. It’s in the legal system. We give the defendant the benefit of the doubt, presume/assume a well intention/innocence before thinking it is a bad intention/guilty.
I keep hoping one day that this idea is actually taken to heart. I’m not talking about full blown naivety and trust everything that people say and do. We aren’t that enlightened. I think it’s fine to take someone at face value to start with and using questions, experience, or other evidence, get a better sense of what is going on. What I am saying is that why do we constantly presume that what was said or done was ill intentioned before even trying to see it another way? I think sometimes I live with my blinders on too much trying to see the good in people. I try but other people sure make it a lot harder to KEEP them on.
Now with a random person you play it by ear as above. You take what they say and you pass it through your filters. We do profile and stereotype people. We do it each and every day to each and every person we meet. But we can still keep an open mind.
This brings me to another thought. The people you know. I’m not talking about the people you see every so often or just say hello to. This is for the people you see outside of work. You call or text or email or go to events with. Those people are probably even friends.
So what bugs me and I have a hard time understanding is why those people, assuming you are worth trusting, will assume something you said or did was with malintention instead of stopping for a moment and saying, “hmm.. this person is usually nice. maybe i misunderstood something.” Of course this goes back to other posts and thoughts that in general people suck at communication. But now I wonder about these people and sometimes I feel really bad for them. Have they had a life and continue to have this life where maybe they can’t trust people? Where they were wronged so many times or so deeply that they choose to no longer want to see good?
Recently I asked someone that I thought trusted me if they were planning on coming to trivia again. I have a group of friends I go with frequently but we were going to be taking a break for a few weeks. This someone has been once. Just once but expressed an interest in coming back sometime. The following are my message and the response I got back.
ME:”honest question: are you ever planning on coming to trivia again? just asking to know if I should tell you when we aren’t going to be there.”
THEM:”Honest response: you don’t have to invite me to things if it is irritating.”
I didn’t think I had said something bad. And yes, while I do see that I could have worded it differently, I thought my intention, whatever their perception, was clear in what I did say. I didn’t want this person showing up and finding out we weren’t there. If others read this and think otherwise, I’d like to know. From my end the kicker is that I don’t think I ever treated this person badly before or lied or ever was intentionally rude. And although I tried to say these things, alas I have not heard back yet.
It does bother me thinking that this person’s first response was to assume I was irritated with them. I try and be open and honest with people and continue to realize people just aren’t able to handle it. Unfortunately, I have a hard time not being honest. You try and think good about others and you forget that other people may not think good things first.
I had a similar honesty situation also recently. (I have a lot of these in general by the way. I’m just pulling these two out.) There was a potential opportunity to catch up with someone and I voiced an honest concern. The immediate response back was a presumption that my honest thought was a recognition or perception of a problem instead of the actual statement I made of being aware that issues might come up.
Why and how to people go through life like this? This automatic assumption that people, including those people you know and hopefully trust, are meaning something bad when they talk to you. Do a certain degree I really don’t understand it. I’m actually trying to and it’s frustrating. If you try and keep an open mind about the possibilites in life, how do you then go about closing your mind? Like many people I know in my heart that there have been times I have been accused of something I didn’t do. We all know that pain inside, I hope. That idea that you know you didn’t do it or say it and now the situation is getting out of hand. Maybe at some point the truth surfaces and people try and apologize or make amends.
It’s that type of situation that SHOULD force people to try and keep an open mind afterwards. Maybe what you perceived as an angry or hurtful statement from the person you are communicating with didn’t really mean you thought. How much heartache could be saved if we just took a few moments to stop and ask what they really meant? That best friend of yours… the one you got angry with… if they are normally saying rude and mean things, then sure, they probably did again but if they are almost 100% of the time nice and pleasant and they said something you thought wasn’t nice and pleasant then I implore you to react in a new way.
STOP
DROP (THE CLOSE MINDED THOUGHT)
LISTEN (WITH AN OPEN MIND)
Those few seconds of pause might mean the difference between the real meaning of what they said and weeks of anger. I’m not saying they didn’t slip from 100% with their first mean words. They may have. But if you have that open mind added with your experience maybe they are going through some deep shit so bad that they lashed out. If you stopped for that pause and thought, “this isn’t like this person. maybe there is something else going on,” the world might start becoming a better place and you might start becoming a better person.
So no, I will probably not try and become close minded again. I will continue to try and stay open minded and honest to myself and others even when they don’t know what do with it. I will continue to hope they people won’t always look for a deeper meaning in honest/truthful statements. I will continue to stay frustrated not understanding why people (especially the ones I care about) will presume a negative meaning instead of pausing to review any past interactions to see if they make sense with what they know from before. I will continue to hope that one day one person will read one thing I’ve written and be changed for the better.
May we seek the divine within us to become more enlightened.
Namaste.
-Santa’s Fallen Angel
Agapeopsis
Thanatos – death
Agápe – true love, not eros or philia
Opsis – sight
Thanatopsis, translated as meditation on death. The title of a poem by Bryant
Agapeopsis, meditation on true love?
Yup. That’s right. That’s my word. The dictionary people can’t hog them all. I’ve checked google and bing. If it doesn’t show up on a search it much not exist in the world. So I’ve now created it.
So what am I talking about.
True love right? Of course you and I already know everything there is about this. What was that? You fell off the chair while spewing your drink out of your nose. Wear a harness next time. Perhaps we don’t know as much as we thought. And I probably understand even less than that.
Getting back into the dating scene I’ve rejoined online sites and they all seem to want to know about past loves and how many times in love and do you want love. The more I think about it, the less I think I even know. For the longest time I would answer “Yes, I’ve been in love. I want love. I love falling in love.” With my ex Natalie I thought I had it all. The moment and I mean that literally, I saw her at my door I fell for her. Done and done. She had heard I didn’t have a blanket and it was going to be cold. She brought me her extra. Seriously. How awesome. And while I’ve heard otherwise from people, I think she was smoking hot. I remember times I told her I loved her. I would hope she would say the same back. Ups and downs for almost two years. Joyous highs and painful lows. Together and broken up and together again. With all my love I even spontaneously asked her to marry me at one point. I should have realized things were set to fail when after all our time together she couldn’t spell my last name. I digress.
But still, what is love? Is it physical? Our heart beats faster, flushing occurs, blood surges, leaving some parts and rushing to others parts of the body that might be umm needed sooner or later. The mind locks on target to that one person. But that’s just for our partner. I remember full well just how stupid I could become when I was with her. We have powerful chemicals that roll around our brains, neurons firing like crazy. Crazy like our emotions can be and powerful the way it can push aside logical rational thinking.
You also love your siblings and your children and parents and some people love possessions and non-live material items. I was going to say inanimate, but technology already changed that one. We’re supposed to love all these people right? Isn’t it an instinct? Then why do people beat their children, hate their siblings and wish to leave their wonderful loving family as soon as they can get some shoes on, maybe even before that.
In loving, we want good for someone. We want them to succeed and prosper. We want to provide a better future to them than we had ourselves. If you are jealous of the sibling that had a chance and took it and prospered, do you really love them? If you envy their possessions or life, that isn’t love to me.
We see love in the proud parent that never finished middle school now seeing their child graduate college. The joy and flow of emotions and tears can be overwhelming not just for them, but as well for those of us watching them. It’s palpable. It’s visceral. To the core we might be moved. What about the parent that is thinking how wonderful it is now that their child has finished college that they will be able to get a good job and have a good life so they can take care of the parents when they get older. That sounds selfish to me.
Love seems like a balancing act. One moment you want good for someone, the next you want to be the one going on the vacation that they are going on and cursing them for not taking you. They left you with a crappy life, a horrible spouse, rotten screaming kids and massive bills. If you are trying to fill a void within yourself, try at the basic level of filling it with love of yourself.
How about this idea. One that I’ve cultivated in myself and hope others agree with as well.
Love is an extension of our self.
That’s it.
Really. That’s it.
When I think about those that I choose to love I have what I think is a central theme.
We sacrifice our wants and needs for another.
The sacrifice? Could it be this simple?
The parent seeing their child finish something, sacrificed their self to further their child. Maybe it was not being home much to earn a living and feeling guilty you weren’t around often.
Seeing your parent overcome an obstacle they were facing because you sacrificed your time and energy to help them.
Staying up late or getting up early to make dinner and breakfast for the love your life because they have a job interview or presentation they are nervous about.
Who can say what is a small or large sacrifice.
One hour of sleep gone while you drive around searching for the craving of your pregnant wife.
Holding the hair of your girlfriend as she pukes her guts into the toilet so she doesn’t get it dirty.
Working a thankless low paying job to put your son through college so he can have a better life than one you are living.
Finding yourself in a place in life where you can’t take care of yourself and you put your child up for adoption. With all the pain of leaving them and the joy in the dream that they will have a better life.
Maybe it’s because valentines was just around the corner and equally so for my own personal situation but this is a life lesson and a life struggle that has been present and will continue to be a part of me. I continue to believe that I’m not a good person but I try and be a nice person.
“When I love myself I sacrifice for me. When I love others I give of myself.” -Nirav 2/18/13 18:30
-Santa’s Fallen Angel
failure IS an option
“I have not failed 700 (10,000) times. I have not failed once. I have succeeded in proving that those 700 (10,000) ways will not work. When I have eliminated the ways that will not work, I will find the way that will work.” -Edison*
*Different sources at 700 or 10,000. I haven’t taken the time to really go through which one is (more) accurate*
Failure. Just hearing the word sounds so horrible. Whether it was an incident/task that was a failure or someone calling you a failure, it just hurts.
But is it really bad? The Edison quote is kinda motivational. It lends to a personal belief I’ve tried to cultivate and reinforces my happiness that I let my last regret (that I’m aware of) go. A failure IS a bad thing when you let it hold you back or beat you down. It is NOT a bad thing when you can learn from it and grow from that moment. Take what you can, whatever it is and apply it to the future. It’s that idea we’ve heard that we must learn from the past to keep from making the same mistakes in the future. There’s plenty of time and room for new ones.
I don’t hold any false notions that I won’t fail again. I could cite a lifetime of examples of making the same or similar mistakes over and over again. The number of women that I’ve dated that seemed so normal in the beginning… that would be for another article.
How boring would life be if everything were perfect and structured? Would we be so perfect and structured that we wouldn’t care? Not that I could envision how this would occur other than some kind of group mind. Even the Borg had their own problems it seemed. But in some ways like them, it’s the struggle, the journey to try and reach a state of having fewer repeat failures. I’m all fine for making a brand new smart failure. Then I don’t feel so bad.
-Santa’s Fallen Angel
shock and awe campaign
this week has been such an incredible roller coaster ride. and i haven’t thrown up once.
the email break up monday and feeling lost in my own mind partially from the sense of betrayal from the lack of communication and the lack of closure.
the long hours at work trying to hold onto the idea of why i got into this.
wondering if happiness with someone else is out there or even matters anymore next to making sure i’m happy in my life.
Then remembering today the biggest and most important lesson i can think of at this time.
i am me.
i am tired of the games in relationships and in other aspects of life that people feel some sick and twisted need to play.
the chasing and all that bullshit. fuck that.
i will not be goaded again into feeling guilty. my soapbox still stands that we choose how to feel. you can not make me feel a certain way. and people have to start taking responsibility for their actions or i will let the consequences happen. if i offer to do something, i do not want but need and expect to be met at least half way. i will not carry the burden by myself. that’s a choice. that’s a reality. what was i thinking letting myself get walked over all this time. will it continue to be a character trait or as i see it now, a character flaw. i’m not talking about letting go of chivalry. just giving a damn about something more.
if the recommendation is to try and lose this nice guy person, congratulations. it’s working. this is not anger or bitterness. this is cold truth. i need to start meaning more to myself. i need to remember to be #1 in my own life and to be honest to myself about my life. why did i stop going to movies and restaurants by myself if there was no one around.
i feel more lost than ever but not emotionally from the breakup. this is straight up spiritual. who am i and what the hell do i want in life. i have been and always will me my harshest critic. it’s hard to feel beat up by someone when you can punish yourself this much. something that has served me well throughout my life. i think that’s why i love and crave feedback. i want to learn and grow. i want to better understand myself. perhaps that’s why i value honesty so much and become so upset and angry when others don’t. there is too much cowardice in people these days.
*yes claire, it’s time to put on the communication pin*
perhaps it’s time to starting attacking life more forcefully. stop being so passive and fight for myself. at home, at work, in relationships and just about any and every other part of life.
this sense of, i think, justice is feeling very cathartic. in my life i try and hold no regrets except for one that i chose to hold onto as a ‘learning moment’ to help guide future actions. it was a moment of indecision brought on by my fear of what others thought and i potentially missed a pivotal moment in life to obtain something wonderful. my carpe diem moment that has haunted me. i think i just let it go to. after all these years, the act of letting that point in time go and stop using it as an anchor to the past feels freeing to me. i think i can take that next step forward.
the future is ahead. there is no stopping it. but instead of riding it passively like a wave, it’s time to try and forge ahead, pushing the boundaries, making myself uncomfortable at times while i try and discover who i need to become in this phase of my self-growth.
i’m on a campaign to take back control of my life and i ain’t taking no prisoners.
-step aside peter. Santa’s Fallen Angel is storming the gates of christmastown –
on being me the physician
Every so often and for reasons I don’t fully understand, I reminded that I’m a physician. I won’t get into a discussion on saying physician versus doctor as it can get heated and that’s not the point of this. I’ve been in some aspect of healthcare since 1997 and an MD since 2004, but most of the time it isn’t necessarily something I think about. I am a physician. It is what I do. It is part of what I am. As there are the jokes about people and their pets looking like one another, perhaps what we do helps to change us, that it is no long a job but part of our personality. Or maybe it was our personality to begin with that led us to our job. Chickens vs eggs throughout our lives.
I go to work. I teach when I can because that’s also part of who I am. And I go home to be on call. At work I am reminded of my title when people say “Dr. Chaudhari” or “Doctor” but maybe because it is at work that I’m not thinking about it so much. The other day I was picking up a prescription and while I was waiting I was absorbed in a book. The pharmacist only called out “Doctor” but I immediately came alert and turned toward him. My title must have been on the prescription or maybe it was in the system. I usually try to hide who I am in public. When initially asked many times I do respond with the title “Teacher”. And I mean it. Doctor in latin means “to teach”. As a pediatrician I considered the number one aspect of my role was to teach. Specifically I mostly do that teaching to the parents, not the patient.
Of course there is nothing to be embarrassed of which leads to the title switch. The problem is that usually once someone knows my title, their perception changes, whether it is on haggling for a purchase or even in a conversation. Once my title is known what I am comes to replace who I am. I am not what I do. But what I do is mostly definitely part of who I am.
Titles can help and hurt. At work it is needed to get the work done. That’s a given. You could be cuckolded at home yet be a CEO of a large corporation. The title of that job sure isn’t helping at home and maybe it’s the title and what comes with it that is causing the marital problem to begin with.
I am a hypocrite though. I can’t honesty say that I’ve never used my title outside of work and for my own benefit. I’ve used it for other people’s benefit and I’m usually ok with that if it was warranted but for myself I do feel guiltier. I have used it calling an insurance company to fight a charge or get it paid faster so the place I went to doesn’t send me a bill. I’ve used it with another insurance company to get them to pay for something they supposedly said they would pay for (it eventually worked once I got a hold of someone who knew what they were talking about.). I’ve used it when I was out and as usual, not dressed like a physician and I was being talked down to. I’ve been told by others that at times I may not use my title but I slip into “Doctor mode” when my attitude changes from usual passive to commanding and authoritative. Yeah, that idea shocks me too. I’d almost like someone to record it just so I can what it looks and sounds like.
I could go on and on with my personal thoughts on where medicine was, is and seems to be headed but I’m not.
Stick a fork in me, I’m done.
-Santa’s Fallen Angel
Choices
What an interesting dilemma life can be sometimes.
I would argue that unless we are under mind control or some alternate personality, EVERY decision we make is our own. I’ve talked about not saying sorry and such and this falls in the same idea.
Some of us go to work, do the work, go home, plus/minus family to deal with, rinse and repeat.
Do we want to be doing this? Why not just leave your family and be back on your own again? (and yes, some people do this).
I once read an idea that I’m sure to butcher while I’m trying to remember it… A man goes to work and at the end of the day wants to go and get a drink but he remembers that his kid needs (insert item) and at that is the crux. What to do? What choice is made. Does he take the one road and get the drink or save the money and just go home. It might seem to be an easy choice but is it really? Can they be equally good choices? Pause in the reading to think about what you would choose for this man. What would you choose for your self. Have you weighed other thoughts and possible consequences? While I’m not advocating using alcohol as a crutch who hasn’t had that kind of day where you come home and that beer or glass of wine just helps you relax and better appreciate your life.
Getting back on track. How do we make the choices when we are faced with them? I wish I knew or understood it sometimes. Why do people stick with jobs they don’t like? Shouldn’t it be ‘simple’ to find that niche in the world where you are happy? For some, maybe the money is the factor and they stick around just for that. Family so you don’t have to move and pull your kids out of school mid year?
Time for some self-contemplative thinking of what’s good for me vs. what’s good for the people in my life.
Climbing up might seem like a good choice to approach something but you still have something of a safety net in climbing down. Sometimes we need to jump off the cliff like a baby bird being tossed out of the nest. Sink or swim baby, sink or swim.
Santa’s Fallen Angel thinks about this often. Hopefully when I grow up, I’ll know what I should be doing. I didn’t lose my wings I just choose not to use them to fly. Why? I guess that’s just my choice.
Back to introspection and bouncing around my hobbies,
Santa’s Fallen Angel
Suicide
That got your attention didn’t it?
Merriam Webster definition of SUICIDE
1a: the act or an instance of taking one’s own life voluntarily and intentionally especially by a person of years of discretion and of sound mind
1b: ruin of one’s own interests
1c: apoptosis
2: one that commits or attempts suicide
First Known Use: 1643
Time will tell if this is a short piece or a long piece.
Today I had a failure. A monstrously huge failure of epic proportions. I broke down and had a soda today. Not just any soda but regular high fructose corn syrup soda. For those interested it was half/half dr. pepper and pepsi. I’ve been very good for at least a month, probably longer, about having nothing more than a sip or two of soda once a week. But today it was 14oz of soda with lunch AND banana pudding. When thinking about my poor choices I continued to make worse ones later choosing a cookie and brownie when the opportunity arose. I haven’t actually had the cookie or brownie, yet. Then of course I see a child with a very large soda and eating cheetos, a very common sighting in albuquerque.
So the question arose… could this be considered a form of suicide. I meet 1a and 1b at the same time. Supposedly I’m ‘of years’ and ‘of sound mind’. I’m also voluntarily choosing this food/drink and putting it into my mouth, chewing and swallowing. I’m also ruining my own interests by harming my body. This is just the physical side of things. Could the self put down/self-depreciation be a mental form of suicide? While the taking of my own life isn’t immediate, being of less sound mind and body will decrease my life expectancy by ‘x’ amount of time. Or if not by time than the morbidity will decrease the quality of my life.
I guess this is a short piece as there are ideas to ponder.
You’re truly,
Santa’s Fallen Angel