be at peace

I wrote the next part for someone else for their situation and they were encouraged. I felt it would be good to share this with you all in case it might resonate with someone else. While this has a religious feel to it, I disclose that yes I believe in something be it a spirit guide, ghost, presence, group conscience, interdimensional communication with an alternate timeline at a different rate of speed, etc etc etc, it still felt right writing it this way.

 

emotions help to make us human. we are not robots to blindly trudge through life. the pain we feel inside also indicates that we care. one who doesn’t feel the lowness of pain may also not be able to feel the height of joy. while two work to be one we are still ourselves in His eyes. in the end it is our life that is judged. therefore IN life while we may strive to be joined to another our needs and wants need to be met. hold fast to yourself. the pain may never dissappear but it will lessen. logic will help dampen it. we learn from life to better face today.

VD, not that kind or maybe it is

What would today be without some of my words of wisdom…

As usual, unless you are fully happy being single, this is a day to be bombarded by media and family and friends with the idea that you are still single and why haven’t you produced any grandchildren. As I had been with someone recently I was fully looking forward to it this year. I had a surprise peri-Valentine’s Day day scheduled at Ten Thousand Waves (a japanese spa) that thankfully I was able to cancel and not lose any money. It’s more awesome probably than any other time of the year for me to think I would finally have someone for Valentine’s Day. You almost remember that you aren’t alone. But alas that was not to be.

One could argue that I should use this time to be bitter for not only not having someone for Valentine’s Day but for the way that it ended. But I actually think there are things that I have to thank her for and must continue to keep in mind now. Simply reinforcements of things that I’ve known on what I need and what I want and truthfully what everyone should really have. The thing that shocked me most at the end was the (simple) lack of communication and possible lies. One moment two people talking about the future and then the without warning that future is shut down.

I think many people would agree that during a relationship if the two people have been talking about their concerns and problems and it still ends, at least they did talk about them and tried and hopefully won’t be caught off guard at a sudden ending even if it doesn’t feel pleasant. All too often these days people choose not to effective in how they communicate with each other. Communication is dealt with through (in decreasing order) face-to-face interactions, phone conversations, emails, texts or in some unfortunate cases simply ignoring that there is an issue and walking away from it. At least I got an email even if there was no true explanation and I am still left wondering what happened. I have gotten the ignoring treatment as a breakup method in the past. Immature and possibly very cowardly in my opinion for anything other than face-to-face.

We generally take this as an opportunity to figure out (ie beat ourselves up) what we did to cause the end. How we screwed it up. However one must also accept the fact and idea that we did nothing wrong and nothing that we did or didn’t do could have changed the outcome. Sometimes it really is the other person that isn’t ready and not yourself. You must constantly keep that in mind. Don’t let something like this break your self-confidence. Remember you are worth it. We question ourselves. We question why we’re even in relationships. We wonder if we’re good enough for them. We wonder if we’re just not better alone.

As I said in my quote the other day, it’s not always necessarily the person that I miss but instead those feelings inside. That sense of belonging with someone. That connection with somebody. Being lost in their eyes and when they look back at you, you feel like the two of you are in your own world. The electricity with each touch. It’s those feelings that keep us coming back time after time, punishment after punishment.

Pain is interesting. Emotional pain and physical pain share special characteristics and we tend to forget that. If you cut yourself or someone steps on your toe you feel that physical pain. We don’t say that someone is making you feel that pain. It is your own. So why do we treat emotional pain differently? I also would argue that someone else also doesn’t make you feel that pain either. While not linked to sensory nerve conduction, it still hurts like crap inside. A visceral pain inside the chest. You think your heart is going to burst from pain. You also own this pain as well. It is yours to feel and manage. You get to choose if you want to be hurt or not in this case. Remember that next time. You are in control. They don’t control you.

Sex can also become a variable in a relationship. While there could be an argument about it being too soon in a relationship one of the biggest concerns that I would have in any relationship is that while it is an important part of a relationship for some people it should not be the most important part. If sex is the linchpin in the relationship, as the only thing holding it together, that relationship will probably fall apart. Constantly there must be communication. There must be open dialogue. These people must understand about each first before anything else.

*anyone have a suggestion for a symbol of communication. thinking about a microphone or airwaves for now*

As much cynicism as there is about Valentine’s Day in its commercial value, it can also be used sorta of like Thanksgiving as a reminder day. To keep in mind those people in our lives be they spouses, girlfriends, boyfriends, parents, grandparents, children, whoever. There are always people to love in our lives. And we are loved by others, even when we forget about them. I could wish like many other holidays that people didn’t see the materialism behind this. The diamonds were not a part of this until the commercials arrived. The chocolates that melt and add calories, the flowers that wilt and die, the dinners that cost a tidy sum, the once a year sex or special sex and all the things that people expect again as a symbol of love when the symbol of love should simply be, Love.

Those three words said too often and often not enough can be quite powerful when said at the right moment. Telling somebody “I love you” has consequences. It should never be used as a weapon. It should never be used to buy you time. It should really be what it says, I. Love. You. No blog entry could be long enough to get into what love is. We each have our own version of what we think it might mean.

One thing that people should also keep in mind is not only should you be loving the other person but for your own sake try to remember and, especially if you’re single, take this opportunity and this day to love yourself. You should be number one in your life. What happens to you should matter. Your needs should be important. If you are starting to date someone making sure your needs are being addressed. That is also very important. While I find that I’m malleable in my likes and personality, if you are trying to change yourself fundamentally for the other person in a relationship I can’t imagine that it would actually last for the long-term. Your must have your needs addressed in the beginning otherwise how can you know the two of you will be good together. How can it last? Why not consider waiting till you been together long enough before you think about starting on compromising.

I close this with one quote.

“To thine own self be true.” – Polonius

-Santa’s Fallen Angel, waiting for Cupid’s arrow only if she gets the same one

 

temptation

broken as i am i still withstood the crucible tonight.

but not unscathed.

the fire and heat of the crucible burned me yet again.

pain. seemingly unbearable pain washing over and through me.

rekindling the fire within me.

setting ablaze that which i had attempted to dampen down.

stoked and on fire again i leapt from the edge.

falling toward an abyss i wanted to be in.

one i had created for myself.

i longed to embrace the darkness.

but there is no hope there.

no salvation.

no peace.

thus i forced myself to land elsewhere and on two feet.

burning in pain but the burning was only inside.

no tears can wash this pain away.

i must face this crucible within.

attempt to make whole what was broken before.

not the same.

but something new and stronger than before.

-Santa’s Fallen Angel

failure IS an option

“I have not failed 700 (10,000) times. I have not failed once. I have succeeded in proving that those 700 (10,000) ways will not work. When I have eliminated the ways that will not work, I will find the way that will work.” -Edison*

*Different sources at 700 or 10,000. I haven’t taken the time to really go through which one is (more) accurate*

Failure. Just hearing the word sounds so horrible. Whether it was an incident/task that was a failure or someone calling you a failure, it just hurts.

But is it really bad? The Edison quote is kinda motivational. It lends to a personal belief I’ve tried to cultivate and reinforces my happiness that I let my last regret (that I’m aware of) go. A failure IS a bad thing when you let it hold you back or beat you down. It is NOT a bad thing when you can learn from it and grow from that moment. Take what you can, whatever it is and apply it to the future. It’s that idea we’ve heard that we must learn from the past to keep from making the same mistakes in the future. There’s plenty of time and room for new ones.

I don’t hold any false notions that I won’t fail again. I could cite a lifetime of examples of making the same or similar mistakes over and over again. The number of women that I’ve dated that seemed so normal in the beginning… that would be for another article.

How boring would life be if everything were perfect and structured? Would we be so perfect and structured that we wouldn’t care? Not that I could envision how this would occur other than some kind of group mind. Even the Borg had their own problems it seemed. But in some ways like them, it’s the struggle, the journey to try and reach a state of having fewer repeat failures. I’m all fine for making a brand new smart failure. Then I don’t feel so bad.

-Santa’s Fallen Angel

 

the reality of life

life has its ups and downs. without explanation i write today. and for posterity i put these words down so that i may reflect at a later time and find truth when this pain isn’t inside or as bad. if you are in your own pain now may these words touch you and bring light into your darkness.

“It feels like there is no more air to breathe and I will never take another breath. Pain too deep even tears are not enough. That is what it is like for me most times. But I know this for truth and that in time I will heal and I will move on. That is the only way to breathe again.”

-Nirav 11:22 2/5/13

introspection

Just got back from Sandia after a snowboarding lesson. The last lesson I think was about two years ago. As I realized I was a closet masochist to keep getting up again and again, I had a flashback memory when I had heard someone mention they thought they “broke their ass.” Coccyx sure but not that often. Not being slim these days and relying too much on my backside padding I hoped I would be ok. I confess that I had a moment after countless falls where I was hurting so bad I had my own thought, “my ass is broken.” Startled by the thought and the pain I chose to lay there for a short time contemplating on  what I had done to myself and why I was continuing on. Thankfully the two high schoolers in the group seemed to be in similar conditions and I was able to push through and past and rise again. I’ve got my PADI, I’ve been free fall skydiving twice (not tandem), and I have a motorcycle. Am I not badass enough yet?! (Disregarding the one I have now broken.) The simple answer is No. I made it through most of the class until both of my legs started cramping, my hands were cramping, I was feeling shin splints, my asthma was acting up, and I continued to feel little and big muscles cramping around the body that I hadn’t remembered since anatomy. As my newly discovered masochistic personality exerted itself one more time I realized that I actually had fun and I will probably be happy that I have two more lessons coming up once the pain isn’t so bad. Thankfully I will be having good food tonight and alcohol, medicinal of course as an internal anesthetic, and will try my best to ignore the pain that is currently wracking my body trying to contort me into some shape only known to Escher. And for anyone that has a large enough shower, I fully and whole heartily advocate for a teak stool to be able to sit on and relax on while being under the spray. A poor man’s sauna but still quite effective.

-Santa’s Fallen Angel