Yes. Seriously. The bathroom. Well, specifically the public bathroom.

For many people in the world I would assume that the bathroom at home is still a private time and place. Even lovely dovey couples might have to draw the line here. My body process what I eat and even itself and that stuff has to go somewhere.

Things come out in all sorts of shapes and sizes and umm.. levels of firmness from one side and on the other in varying shades of colors from clear to hopefully not red. At times we make sounds vocally and sounds come out of our body from other places.

Are you feeling uncomfortable reading this? You shouldn’t. It’s a part of life. Everyday life for some. Multiples times a day for most. I take this taboo topic and present it with openness. Accept what you are and what comes out of you. As they say, you are what you eat. I try to keep this stuff private too and won’t be revealing any deep secrets, just thoughts.

Depending on what i eat, things are processed differently inside my body. I have a partial lactose intolerance. Just a slight tip into the too much direction and it’s game over. Without enough enzyme to break down the lactose the bacteria will win that round. And i promise you that they love the sugar. Just like in other areas where bacteria or yeast are used in fermentation a common byproduct is gas in varying amounts.

There was this one time i had too much creamer in a morning coffee before a very early flight. The bacteria got to work and normally i don’t think things would have become an issue. I’m thinking it was the change in air pressure inside the plane ascending. Those were some of the most painful moments i have stored in my memory. The gas gets trapped into the tube we call our intestines and as such there are only two normal ways out, the top and the bottom. Waiting for that seatbelt light to shut off seemed like one of those slow motion moments in life where each second ticking away was audible and excruciatingly long. I’m alive to be writing about this so i made it through that ordeal.

I could have taken care of things in the time waiting for the bathroom but that’s where i try to draw the line. I don’t know how much or how smelly the contents were. Letting it out in public is a great gamble. If i’m in an open field with wind all around me, a little more wind is fine. No problems with that one. In a packed elevator going up several floors (or an airplane), just hold it in please. Unless your plan was to wait until the elevator ride, if you waited that long just wait a little longer. Confined spaces of elevators, airplanes, yoga studios and cars just amplify the problem and makes things worse for everyone, a perverse delight for juvenile minded folk that intentionally let one rip.

Back to a point. In the public restroom all bets are off. It’s a bathroom. That’s what it’s there for. People tend to get embarrassed if someone overhears them moan or the other sounds emanating from them. Most of us have been there. The tiny squeak comes out and you pucker up wondering who may have heard it and what they might be thinking.

Be free. You are what you ate and the bathroom IS the appropriate place to be in. Empty yourself without the trepidation and embarrassment. Sometimes the pain is so bad you want to put a sharp object in to relieve the pressure. Sometimes we need to be reminded not to eat that many jalapeno peppers even though they tasted so good going in, although i’ll… er… we’ll probably do it again because they were so yummy.

Don’t let the public bathroom cause any more stress than it needs to. Relax and let it go, you’ll feel a lot better for it.

-Santa’s Fallen Angel