so i finally made it through two books i felt were important, you mean i’m not lazy, stupid, or crazy?! and the gift of adult add. i haven’t cried and laughed so hard in a long time. knowing you have a ‘mental disorder’ and having parts of your life shown to you can be humbling. like many others i chose to fight my add and try and pretend i could make it in the rigid structure that society tries to channel us into. the books pointed out classic things that i do in life and never noticed. and also not noticing how i was affecting others with my drive and emotional connections. from another book, the tipping point, i had labeled myself as a maven for so long. i’m more than that. for now though i’m having to put myself through the hoops of society to try and pass my peds boards. i try and remember to take my med when i can. if i can keep my morning routine i’ll take it. if i do anything else then i forget to take it. that simple. i also plan to try and incorporate those parts of the books that i can immediately work on that i’ve already been working on such as increasing my exercise and improving the food i put into my body. i want to be a model for others to see that you can make a change and become a force for change. might as well be now.

i’m not sure why i’m choosing now to start. i think first before anything else is someone that i met that has become an inspiration to me. second, yeah, probably because of the books. third, i’ve always enjoyed writing and while i haven’t been able to sit down long enough finish any of the books i’ve had ideas for, i think i can manage to make this my new journal, public though it may be.

i’m also going to try and not edit these musings. spelling errors, grammar errors. yup. those will probably stick around for others to pick apart but the thoughts and feelings will be genuine.

in the end i hope to be a force of change for good, whatever good is anymore. i want to make a positive impact and if i’m lucky help someone.

-nirav