As this day creeps to a finish, I’ve found myself over the last couple hours thinking.
Today is father’s day. Most celebrated days just pass me by usually. I can’t say what stopped me today. Maybe it was the person at work recently asking me about my plans today with my children.
I do know that I’m glad I did take some time to think.
I started to reflect on my life, as long or short as it has been, time being relative to who is looking at me.
When I see someone with full on white hair and hunched over I feel young and my life is ahead of me. Then I see their grandchild and feel old, slow and fat.
I guess I am in a potential prime of my life. I have a steady job. I put money into savings. I travel. I can still get into better shape. Friends. Family. Check, check, check, check.
But who am I in this time and place? Of course this is purely subjective.
I was pondering the ‘deep’ question wondering if I measure up. To myself, to others, to my parents, and specifically today to my father. Do I meet whatever standard he holds inside himself, not only of me but of himself? This is an unusual question for me since I usually don’t care about measuring myself against others.
Am I disgrace? Have I exceeded his wildest dreams? Both of these carry a set of questions.
Is the standard low so I have exceeded it or have I not yet made it? Is the standard high and I still haven’t met it or did I make it through?
I’m not much into pleasing others for the sake of their ego. I’d bet this attitude gets me into trouble quite often. Power is perception and will always remain so. The POW being tortured that doesn’t give in. The grunt worker slaving day after day to put another meal on the table. Being fired because you told the truth. The opposite also happens. You give in to fears real and otherwise. I may object but would have a hard time faulting the grunt worker that cuts corners to make it to the family meal or someone telling a small lie to keep their job, a roof over their head and pay another semester of tuition.
I try and hold true to my principles as they are. I think the core me overall isn’t so bad even if I am working to change something others may see as positive but I feel is a negative.
I wish I could say that all my pondering before and as I was writing this led to some great epiphany and I know myself better than ever. I’m left scratching my head and more off balance, or in a more positive light, my complacency had the shit kicked out of it and I’m forced to face reality again.
Who was I to make who I am to shape who I will be? Are we ever past our ‘prime’? It all depends on what prime I choose to pick on. Maybe it’s time to pick a new prime or revisit an old one and push those boundaries to see just how much strain they can take. Without knowing the standard my father set means I get to imagine one. The bar that my fingers can graze feels about right. I can feel it right there. It is in my reach and I just have to push for it. I don’t know if I’ll feel at some point that I did good and he is truly proud. Perhaps I’m not meant to because that might mean I lowered the bar to me instead of continuing to push ever higher.
Deep thoughts and a tired mind. To rest I go.
Love you dad.