the inbetween

there is that interesting (and sometimes scary) moment in the rare nap of mine. that time and place where upon waking you notice the light creeping around the window shades. not too bright like later morning or afternoon. not too dark like night or very early morning. somewhat of a goldilocks zone of light where i’m not sure what time it is. did i just fall asleep for a few hours and i’m headed into the evening or has the body taken command and kept me down until the morning and i will have to go to work soon? the slight pause as i think about the ramifications. i was tired enough that i actually took a nap. was i exhausted that i slept until the next day? the lingering thoughts of what wasn’t accomplished in the evening and the time now gone. the notion that the phone is a short reach away and it can solve the dilemma. i lean over from the couch and the answer is revealed on the glowing screen…

-Santa’s Fallen Angel

 

the art of… art

the creative process is interesting as i find many things in life.

sitting, pondering, doing, erasing, doing over, trying, retrying. scrapping it and starting all over.

writing, painting, sculpting, creation of any kind.

for myself i’ve tried many types.

pottery making is fun even if messy. getting the right speed of the wheel, the right pressure on the clay outside and inside. big, small, tall, squat. plate, bowl, cup. glazed, unglazed. if you mess up, chuck it (gently) back into the pile of clay and start over. i signed up for a single 2-3 hour class and made four different things. i like three of the four only because i messed up on the fourth and ran out of time before i could fix it.

painting/drawing i seem to suck at. in middle school the teacher told me that i had a lot of imagination but no talent. that’s the only reason i got a ‘d’ instead of an ‘f’ i think. maybe i should try a lesson. every so often i tried and pencil sketch something usually something right in front of my like my hand. some of the doodles aren’t that bad. but it isn’t something i can reproduce easily.

writing, somewhat rhetorically obvious, is what i enjoy. even in high school i enjoyed it. unfortunately i was told often i shouldn’t be wasting my time on it by teachers, family and friends. i even tried to submit a piece to a writing contest. the way i remember it, i spent quite a lot of countless nights awake working on it. i then gave it to my ap english teacher to review and submit. one day i asked if she had heard anything. again unfortunately she never got around to looking at it. i don’t remember an apology or anything. i still don’t think she even liked me since i was never as good as my sibs had been. i do remember the feeling of being crushed and i did give it up for a while. i took some classes in college but it wasn’t the same.

so now i’m making another run just a little differently this time and maybe i will even take another chance in the future at something a little longer than a blog.

to anyone that creates, keep it up. don’t let them tell you it’s not good enough. let your heart and head decide. beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

-Santa’s Fallen Angel

 

anecdotal evidence

i want to call that an oxymoron.

these days we think of evidence as hard facts.

in science there is the scientific method. an idea possible until it is proven or disproven and even then it may not be 100%, just really really close.

as i understand this in medicine there is the idea of evidence based medicine. you do a study and follow it forward and see what happens. not looking back in time as this is subject to other factors and things you didn’t have in control.

how much of what we know about anything in life is from what we’ve learned or were taught?where did that knowledge come from? you buy a textbook of history and learn about what happened during the year XXXX (or YYYY to be gender equal). then you go to trivia and use this new, hard won information to dazzle and amaze and maybe get a point or two.

was the information accurate? i haven’t looked at a textbook from k-12 in a while but i don’t rememeber if they have any references to where the information came from. someone somewhere says they did some research with musty and dusty tomes and documents and have brought to us this boon. it might actually be factual too. but how truthful is it? by that i mean, did the author present an unbiased view of his research or is that chapter colored with what they thought was the more correct version.

we go through life with a sponge for a brain, constantly soaking up knowledge through all our senses. we make judgements based on this learning. the car in front has a brake light on. that probably means they are slowing down or trying to avoid something. our brains of course try and integrate the speed and other cars and a varied amount of information to know should i swerve out of the lane, brake hard myself or wonder what the next car is i would like if i survive this encounter.

you walk down the street late at night and a group of young looking kids are walking with their hoods pulled over their heads. most people would probably not be wondering what those fine upstanding citizens are doing out late. yes it’s profiling. we profile on a constant basis with constant pre judging but not necessarily in a bad way. if they pass by without incident my heart will start to come back down to normal and eventually i’ll stop looking behind me. if something does happen that is negative, it just adds to the anectdoal life experience and will continue to reinforce the profile in my mind to avoid that situation again.

in the anecdotal evidence, we use our life experiences to make decisions about what we will do or think in a situation.

there is more and more of a push for evidence to prove something. at what point can i tell myself that what i’ve experienced is good enough or maybe even better than something tested. i’ve learned to trust my gut instinct quite often. even the ‘something doesn’t seem right’ sensation gets me out of trouble when some other part of my brain was thinking something else. maybe i find the problem, maybe i don’t but i trust that something felt off and i take the time to slow down and at least take a look at what i was doing.

i hope that my gut stays true and the plethora of life experiences filters through as my own continous prospective study, fine tuning itself hopefully to better and better decisions. some might say i am blinded or double blinded at times but i plan to keep at least one eye open.

-Santa’s Fallen Angel

bonds

don’t forget how strong you, how many things you are doing, how you have improved yourself mentally and physically and continue to do so. it’s ok to write down positive things and post them on the mirror or door or steering wheel. we are humans, not machines. we also have negative things we need to work on too. we have emotions and we have self doubt.

you have family, old friends, and new friends. acquaintances are great for those times you just want to catch a movie or dinner or a show. friends do those things too but are also there when you need someone to talk to. that’s the price of friendship.
-Santa’s Fallen Angel

greed and philanthropy

i’ve learned something interesting about myself. i don’t mind giving back to the community but i’m just greedy enough to want something in return.

for instance.

at the local co-op they sell nice healthy local fruits and veggies, organic and maybe not organic. i guess i haven’t looked that closely at the selections. the point is that i’m trying to eat healthier and local and they have it. you can just go and buy your groceries and walk out the door. they also have memberships.

for some small amount each month you can be a member of the co-op and get special deals and discounts and a refund percent from your purchases. as well they make loans out to farmers and organizations and help people. here’s the kicker. they have a lifetime membership as well. i’m all for the idea of helping out with a membership especially since i don’t really shop there very much. it’s almost like giving them money. but just in case i do shop i can get something back as well. so yes. i bought a lifetime membership. it does give me a warm fuzzy feeling knowing that i am helping the local community and promoting healthier eating/growing practices and it also strokes and stoakes the inner demon knowing that i am getting something back in return, even if i’m not really shopping there. i’ve only shopped there twice so far but plan to do more.

i was forced into this thinking when i saw that the history and science museum was offering for a not small sum of money, a perment seat i the theater to help generate funds for renovations. my first instinct was “great! they need to keep that place up and running. i love science!!” a friend and i just went recently and it felt like being a kid again. lots of ooos and aaahs from me as i learned more information and seeing my friend’s curiosity being piqued and that hunger for information.

but then i started wondering if a permanent seat meant i could catch every show they have forever and ever. (envision evil grin and the wringing of the hands.) alas, it just means a name placard on the seat. i have a long name, i wonder if they would be able to fit the whole thing. how pissed would i be to see only part of my name if i went down that route. who would even recognize my name? in the dark they probably wouldn’t even see it. just a rough shirt to slowly wear away at my name until it is dull and letters are missing. the warm fuzzy hasn’t caught up to me yet on this one.

the warm fuzzy part of me would like to think that i could just give and not get something in return. maybe the demon has tricked me into thinking that even the warm fuzzy is a good thing but that by itself is something that i am getting as a benefit even if it is not material in nature. now as devil’s advocate if we end up getting a non material return on doing good, is it really that much difference from getting a material return as well? is there really a demon inside or just perception of one? is it a matter of which angle you’re coming at it from? the true philanthropist gives and secondarily gets the warm fuzzy but the greedy heartless bastard that i am gives knowing that he gets a warm fuzzy in return.

in the end, warm fuzzies are had and philanthropy occured. i should look up the definition of philanthropy just in case i have the idea wrong but that might make me feel bad so i’ll ignore it.

from my namesake, what does the big red guy get out of his gig? does he have sponsors funding his endevours? these are questions best left unasked or maybe best left unanswered. finding out he’s using it as a cover and is secretly an international drug runner dropping packages across the world might explain how he funds his operation but this might ruin an entire capitalistic system of milking every cent as well as ruining all the greed and guilt people might feel during the holidays…errr.. christmas season mulling over what they did or did not get and how easy will it be to return, exchange or regift it. perhaps this will be another blog to be called greed from philanthropy but i’ve done the holiday post already in a different incarnation.

-Santa’s Fallen Angel

hoping for karma

without going into details i’ve realized that i accept that there are people who are or have been in my life that are just plain scum (sorry to any good scum out there) and might just deserve everything bad that happens to them not because of the way they told me (and my bleeding heart bought) how others cause them problems but because i finally realized that they do this to themselves and keep making the same mistakes over and over again including using drugs as a crutch to avoid dealing with reality and life. it’s an interesting feeling when pride and anger over their actions turns into pity and how pathetic they truly are. i truly hope the things that went missing when they were around were just missing and not taken but seeing this other side of them it’s hard to know and it makes me feel more pity toward them.

may i forget they exist

may others not encounter their deceit

may i be better in picking people to call friend

and while i would like to say that there is no more anger… may karma come and give them a good lesson

post update: from merriam webster:

pa·thet·ic adjective pə-ˈthe-tik

Definition of PATHETIC
1: having a capacity to move one to either compassionate or contemptuous pity
2: marked by sorrow or melancholy : sad
3: pitifully inferior or inadequate <the restaurant’s patheticservice>
4: absurdlaughable <a pathetic costume>

-Santa’s Fallen Angel

looking within: is the cat alive or dead?

when meditating there is a certain level of introspection.

the idea of “you” trying to be objective with yourself.

can it be done?

you are the subject as well as the observer. can you be introspective without being changed? does it matter? is not part of the reason we look within to observe and possibly change or be changed? is this the case to observe AND to change if needed?

to look within there must be a willingness to be honest with oneself. if you can’t be honest or not willing to accept what you see, there still may be gain but not as much. one could argue that there is no gain but if you can at least recognize you don’t want to accept some things, there at least in my mind is hope that with time you might be willing to see yourself honestly and decide from there if you want to change anything.

-Santa’s Fallen Angel

a hiking adventure

this story begins earlier this summer as a friend and i started to think about a hiking/camping trip. it started with 2 nights, 3 days then the date changed then it was dropped down to one night, 2 days. i think it worked out for the best.

we chose to head to carson national forest in new mexico. this is also my first 12k hike. ok. it was more like 11,800 but i’ll take it. as well my first camping/hiking trip that wasn’t car camping.

being a somewhat noob, i packed as a cross between car camping and hiking camping. that just means i had about 30-50% way too much in my pack. pulling stuff out of a car and setting up is one thing. carrying that stuff uphill several miles is stupid. at least now i have a better idea what not to take.

but i’m getting ahead of myself.

the adventure starts the morning of. i had tried to be real good and get everything packed the night before. i did do it. however. in the morning as i pick up the pack, one of the straps holding my sleeping bag groans and flies off. i admit i still don’t know where the buckle is in the living room. so i have to grab another pack and move everything over. the mistake was in seeing the extra room and putting more things in it. yada yada i get to my friends and we drive. then we have to figure out how to find the parking area once we get there. the map kinda describes it but the road signage wasn’t the best. we eventually got there after turning around. elevation around 9400 ft.

A Hiking Adventure Aug 2013-1379from here we just grabbed our packs with the idea to hike until we stop and find a nice stop to camp. the forest is open so you can camp anywhere you want. there are places that are more camped (and flatter) than others. there are also two lakes in the area as well. we planned on going to the higher horseshoe lake.

A Hiking Adventure Aug 2013-1383

that five miles on the sign is very deceptive.

off we go.

A Hiking Adventure Aug 2013-1384

 

it sure looks nice and sunny doesn’t it…

i took a few pics on the way up. beautiful flowers. very moist and humid environment.

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we stop at points for me to breathe and to talk to other people around (and which also allows me to breathe). about two miles in we find a bridge that people mentioned that had some decent area to camp at next to a stream. elevation around 10,600 i think. i’m beat so time to make camp. lucky for us that we did. as things are unpacking and water is being boiled for dinner, what do we spy above but nice dark dark clouds. oh shit. a mad hurried rush to finish the tents ensues. when the hail started, yes, hail, to pelt me like a bb gun we each dashed into our tents to eat and take shelter from the storm. and what a storm it was. this was some of the loudest thunder and brightest lightning i have seen in my life. the lightning was like a flash bulb going off in my tent. i could see everything inside.

no problem. we have tents and rainflies and warm sleeping bags. uh oh. is that water dripping into my one person tent. no tears. it’s just coming through the fly and then dripping through the mesh. good thing i have my nice +30 down sleeping bag… that doesn’t work as great when it’s wet. somewhere during a lull in the storm i hear yelling about possible hypothermia. we discuss this as well as possible flash flooding and bears. lots of great thoughts getting into the evening. shiver me timbers.. it was getting cold. i tried to read but was just exhausted and fell asleep at (for me) a crazy early hour around 9pm. I woke up around 2am but damned if i was going into that storm to pee. back to bed i go.

i eventually woke up around 5:30am. storms passed. there were at least three big rounds of thunder and lightning that i was awake or awoken for. at some point i just needed to get out. i tried to rummage for some dry wood but at that hour i wasn’t to clear headed and missed some big dry pieces under another tree. i had the full intention of getting roaring fire ready for my friend. come on. it’s awesome when it’s cold to have a fire out there to warm up to. plus. it’s fire. i make some headway. here’s the view with some smoke hanging out… beautiful.

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i did manage to show my friend how to use a light my fire spark set to light up a petroleum jelly soaked cotton ball. nice and easy tinder to start a slow burn. i didn’t find that dry wood until more light was out and my friend was already awake. drat!

well. we survived the night. worked on a little breakfast and i packed a few items into my camelback for the trek up to the lake. i did get to practice breathing to try and keep from passing out. we’re still headed up in elevation. remember, this is going up near 12,000. since it’s nice and humid there are fungi everywhere.

A Hiking Adventure Aug 2013-1303

we aren’t smart enough to know which are good and which are bad. at the end we did run across two guys that did know. one had a big shroom in his hand and he rattled off some fancy name for it. he said it was very tasty. i passed.

i also did get the chance to be with my friends dogs and by the end they would heel for me when i was leading. very empowering i must say to be a pack leader and not as much work once they get it in their heads.

we passed by some beautiful views on the way up.

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i have a casio watch that does barometer, altimeter, compass, temp. that kind. the altimeter was great to help me keep going. my manta was “one step,” as in one step at a time. i needed something when i was having trouble catching my breath. we saw some big horned goats.

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and marmots.

 

 

 

A Hiking Adventure Aug 2013-1329

 

and more stunning vistas when we go to the lake.

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we hung around for a while but knowing work was calling the next day and there were many hours left of hiking and breaking camp at some point we just had to learn the peace and serenity and start the journey back. we stopped for a nice dinner in taos before the long drive back. thankfully my friend was driving as my body was a wreck. after a weekend of wondering about hypothermia, bears, flooding and exhaustion, of course this leads to the question of “where next and when can we go.”

A Hiking Adventure Aug 2013-1367

 

-Santa’s Fallen Angel

 

chicago!

i took a recent opportunity to make a second visit to chicago. the first time it was in january some years ago i believe for a conference and it was cold, windy, slushy, wet, stuff like that. not fun as a summary. having lived in new york i was aware of cold and slush and whatnot. the extreme wind was new and not really appreciated. i normally like wind but on nice fun happy days to fly one of my kites. this was just mean wind. completely uncalled for.

so my view of chicago has been of a cold, dark, windy and slushy city that could make duck boots go south for the winter.

after this visit i must say that my eyes were opened to a much much better city than the vision i had in my mind and i admit that i was wrong with my initial impression.

the weather was good in august. unfortunately i was told that it lasts only a few months of the year and so summer is attacked with gusto. chicago has the big city feel like new york but it appeared more relaxed. there were tons of people exercising everywhere.

 

people exercising

people exercising

normal and crazy cyclists as well like every place i’ve been to. there is a beach. yeah. sand and water. that kind of beach. people were playing beach volleyball. along this area is a great path for walking, running, and biking.

 

view from the path

view from the path

like the bosque path with beautiful views all around, just different. it just didn’t occur to me that this was touching the great lakes and there would be sand.

chicago like a good major city has a nice public transportation system. easy, on time buses, trains and subway. always a plus for getting around town if you don’t want to have a car. the traffic didn’t seem crazy but it may have been the area and hours that i was seeing it.

during a walk the opportunity of catching the aquarium came up. you can see the long line to get in.

 

chicago aquarium

chicago aquarium

there were lots of fish big and small.

 

big fish

big fish

dangerous frogs as well.

dangerous frog 1

dangerous frog 1

 

 

dangerous frog 2

dangerous frog 2

i stopped taking pictures quickly realizing it was a pointless endeavor as i needed hours to do a proper job.

there is also a water taxi service among a few locations. during the short trip i saw several things.

 

water taxi

water taxi

this is a three masted ship.

 

three masted ship

three masted ship

an old (or reproduced) ship that still sails.

classic ship

classic ship

a ferris wheel near the dock.

 

ferris wheel on the dock

ferris wheel on the dock

there is also sailing here, something i have an interesting in learning as one of the items on my life skills list. my version of a bucket list i guess since one could argue that you’re dying from the moment you are born. chicago is now on my list of places i will look at when i decide to learn to sail. i was able to do an evening sail and it was beautiful. it’s also not easy to take a steady photo on a moving boat while you’re also steering it. steering was fun by the way even though when i got bored with it i was needed to stay there so the captain could mess with the sails. the city completely lights up so well. of course this is really great to see from the water.

pre sunset view

pre sunset view

 

post sunset view

post sunset view

chicago has professional level sports as well. i was also able to catch my first professional sporting event at us cellular field.

us cellular field

us cellular field

it was a sox vs yankees game. right at the edge of the batters area where it connects to the run to first base you can see a little white dot. that’s the ball.

baseball game sox vs yankees

baseball game sox vs yankees

the stadium was much bigger than the isotopes field but i like my isotopes better. much more intimate. i was told a cubs game at wriggly field might be better. there is also soldier field stadium for a bears game if i can catch one during good weather. after the game, and my last evening, i was able to catch a beautiful shot of the city at night.

night view of the city

night view of the city

on another visit i’ll see about the arts and entertainment that they had to offer as well.

-Santa’s Fallen Angel

if you ever wondered…

on a day to day basis we all have random thoughts and ideas, notions that just cross ones mind. i hope to help you answer one of those and ease your troubled mind.

so for anyone that has ever wondered what a piece of cinder block being kicked up by the back wheel of a truck and striking your leg while you are going about 70 miles an hour on a motorcycle feels like, i now have first hand experience.

it f****** hurts.

really. it’s quite unpleasant i assure you. i can say i never want to repeat this scenario again. i can’t remember every aspect of what transpired. i remember seeing the truck swerve a little to the side, in retrospect purposefully i presume, and then a piece of cinder block was rocketing toward me at a low height. what i can’t answer or begin to understand is why i didn’t lose control (an unknown well of fortitude?) or the luck in the block not hitting my motorcycle or what really crossed my mind right after, how did i not break or injure my leg.

the initial shock made me concerned that once i tried to put my leg down at the next stop whatever adrenaline was in my system wouldn’t be able to handle reality and i wouldn’t be able bear any weight. i was actually ok. thankfully i was wearing jeans, my leather jacket and a full face helmet.

+1 to good luck; unfriend to the truck that kicked it up to begin with

-Santa’s Fallen Angel