Trust as defined by Merriam-Webster: assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something

When I read that I had to ask myself if I truly trust anyone.

I went back over the current iteration of my own rules of life and was reminded that the very first rule that I created is

1. Don’t trust anyone, including yourself.

The first half was created as a medical student. Those of us that are physicians know full well how cutthroat other students can be. People who believe that putting others down helps to elevate themselves. As ‘they’ say, No Good Deed Goes Unpunished and I was punished a lot. Not that it really changed me much. My residents saw how hard I was working and usually they rewarded me accordingly. There are cutthroat residents as well that are willing to take full credit for your work. I didn’t have or need to backstab since I wasn’t gunning for the number one spot in that rotation nor did I have aspirations for the elite money-making fields in medicine. I’m a pediatrician. Seriously. We’re generally not in this for the money.

The second half I added as a physician. Sometimes we make decisions that don’t turn out as we plan. I’ll leave it at that.

No matter how it started the rule applies quite accurately to my non-medical life as well.

In my unfortunate relationship journey I continue to run across the “I won’t call you and you just need to assume that I don’t want to see you anymore.” Not what I consider a mature act from women. Perhaps I just have unrealistic expectations based on their ages and professions. Handling mergers, prosecuting or defending clients, and saving lives apparently doesn’t help someone to achieve a skill to be a good communicator outside of work.

In my most recent endeavor I had the opportunity to go out with another professional. During a conversation on relationships and before I even thought of it, she made it a point to state that the majority of her relationships ended well. One or the other was able to just say it wasn’t working. Wow! A rare oddity. It was a great feeling to believe this.

Unfortunately I was wrong. The last few conversations (paraphrased) were:
1 phone: me: dinner tomorrow? her: i have plans with the family this weekend.
-very plausible.
2. text four days later: me: hope you had a good time with the family. vietnamese this weekend? her: I have reading to catch up on this weekend.
-also plausible. she’s a PhD student but she also told me she’s only been putting in a few hours a day. i had a friend that worked on her PhD. I remember how on/off busy things could get.
3. text today: me: back in town, meet up for coffee? her: I think I see us more like friends. Thank you for your company though.
-finally truth. wonder if she would have said anything?

I admit that I like closure. Too many ideas roll through my head. I know I’m not the swiftest and am concrete too often.

Trust. I wonder if I’m too naive to have believed she would have broken the pattern. Granted we did talk about her problems getting into relationships because she over thinks them and runs them through her mind before they really even start.

Life is interesting. Sometimes it’s the same lesson that we need to relearn again. But is it the right lesson? I feel that I violate my first rule on a daily basis. Part of me doesn’t want to trust but I can’t help myself. And in my next relationship, I’ll trust again and get hurt again. Thankfully, like this, it doesn’t always hurt much. Quite a dilemma though.

-Nirav

update:
while sitting in bed trying to keep from hacking up one of my lungs i came to see a new lesson.. or question. at the end of the end. am i a trustworthy person. no matter what anyone else might say on either side, maybe it’s time to remove the second half of the rule. we make mistakes in life. you learn. you move on. something to ponder over sleep.

apprehension. anxiety. stress.

words that just hearing them start to make our heart race and blood pressure go up. sometimes we don’t even know why we are stressed or worried. we just feel the tension inside and start to get worked up.

things tend to work out I have to remind myself. for all the times that I have stressed out I’m still doing pretty ok in life. work deadlines. trying to be organized. rushing to catch a flight. ok. I have missed a few flights in my time but things still worked out ok.

then others ‘make us’ stress more. no. we choose to increase our own anxiety.

take a break. go for a walk. close your eyes and take a few or a lot of deep breaths. hey, if you pass out it’s a temporary break at least. depending on what you are doing, no one is probably going to die.

enjoy the sun. relax. maybe you already feel a little better just taking the time to read. give a last good Ommm and breath and be renewed. you can handle it.

-Nirav

I repost unedited the following from an email forward. Yes I did laugh. But it also does bring up the real idea that sometimes we need a real life application before something will make sense. Reminds me of the scene in Big with Tom Hanks where he’s trying to teach the kid math using a basketball analogy. The kid seems to get it.

Schools are finally starting to teach practical math that these kids can use in real-world situations!

NAME____________________
GANG/CREW NAME______________
CRIB_________________

1. Lajames has an AK-47 with a 200-round clip. He usually misses 6 of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive- by shootin’. How many mofos can Lajames ice on a drive- by before he gotta reload?

2. Leroy has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what be the street value of the rest of his shit?

3. Dwayne pimps 3 ho’s. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Dwayne’s $800 per day Crack habit?

4. Raul wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounce bags will he need to make to gets the 20% upside?

5. Ray-Ray gets $2000 for a stolen BMW, $1500 for stealing a Corvette, and $1000 for a 4 x 4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4×4’s, how many more Corvettes must he steal to make the 10k for his brother’s bail?

6. Pedro got 6 years for murder.. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?

7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with three 8 oz. Cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?

8. Tyrone knocked up 4 girls in the gang. There be 20 girls in his gang. What be the percentage of bitches Tyrone knocked up?

9. Lafawnda is a lookout for the gang. Lafawnda also has a Boa Constrictor that eats 5 rats per week and a cost of $5 per rat. If Lafawnda makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed her snake with one week’s income?

10. Marvin steals Juan’s skateboard. As Marvin skates away at 15mph, Juan loads his 357 Magnum piece. If it takes Juan 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will Marvin be when he gets whacked?

Sometimes we are lucky to be exposed to people who appear exceptional to us. People that do or say things that we wish we could do. Sometimes we even feel envious. Sometimes we wish we could have that life. It’s ok to feel motivated or inspired. Just remember that we also don’t have the full story. A life that may seem perfect for someone else might simply be the shell around a painful existence. People can be trapped in their lives with the people in them, by money, by situations, or even by many things not in their control. Enjoy and appreciate your life. If you don’t like something going on. Try effecting change with yourself first.

I continue to effect changes within myself so that I can go to sleep hoping to feel that no matter what, I’ll be proud of my life.

-Nirav

For the first time in a VERY long time I feel a sense of progress. While I know many people shudder at the thought of a weight scale, I use mine as a symbol and reminder of the damage I’d done to myself. It measures weight sure, but it also gets body fat percent and water percent. Just moments ago during a random weigh, I found myself (very sadly that I even put myself in this position to begin with) at my lowest weight since 2008. Slow and steady but a mostly better diet and attempting daily exercise and I’m on my way. Good times are here to stay.

-Nirav

so i finally made it through two books i felt were important, you mean i’m not lazy, stupid, or crazy?! and the gift of adult add. i haven’t cried and laughed so hard in a long time. knowing you have a ‘mental disorder’ and having parts of your life shown to you can be humbling. like many others i chose to fight my add and try and pretend i could make it in the rigid structure that society tries to channel us into. the books pointed out classic things that i do in life and never noticed. and also not noticing how i was affecting others with my drive and emotional connections. from another book, the tipping point, i had labeled myself as a maven for so long. i’m more than that. for now though i’m having to put myself through the hoops of society to try and pass my peds boards. i try and remember to take my med when i can. if i can keep my morning routine i’ll take it. if i do anything else then i forget to take it. that simple. i also plan to try and incorporate those parts of the books that i can immediately work on that i’ve already been working on such as increasing my exercise and improving the food i put into my body. i want to be a model for others to see that you can make a change and become a force for change. might as well be now.

i’m not sure why i’m choosing now to start. i think first before anything else is someone that i met that has become an inspiration to me. second, yeah, probably because of the books. third, i’ve always enjoyed writing and while i haven’t been able to sit down long enough finish any of the books i’ve had ideas for, i think i can manage to make this my new journal, public though it may be.

i’m also going to try and not edit these musings. spelling errors, grammar errors. yup. those will probably stick around for others to pick apart but the thoughts and feelings will be genuine.

in the end i hope to be a force of change for good, whatever good is anymore. i want to make a positive impact and if i’m lucky help someone.

-nirav