Author Archives: SFA

temptation

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broken as i am i still withstood the crucible tonight.

but not unscathed.

the fire and heat of the crucible burned me yet again.

pain. seemingly unbearable pain washing over and through me.

rekindling the fire within me.

setting ablaze that which i had attempted to dampen down.

stoked and on fire again i leapt from the edge.

falling toward an abyss i wanted to be in.

one i had created for myself.

i longed to embrace the darkness.

but there is no hope there.

no salvation.

no peace.

thus i forced myself to land elsewhere and on two feet.

burning in pain but the burning was only inside.

no tears can wash this pain away.

i must face this crucible within.

attempt to make whole what was broken before.

not the same.

but something new and stronger than before.

-Santa’s Fallen Angel

failure IS an option

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“I have not failed 700 (10,000) times. I have not failed once. I have succeeded in proving that those 700 (10,000) ways will not work. When I have eliminated the ways that will not work, I will find the way that will work.” -Edison*

*Different sources at 700 or 10,000. I haven’t taken the time to really go through which one is (more) accurate*

Failure. Just hearing the word sounds so horrible. Whether it was an incident/task that was a failure or someone calling you a failure, it just hurts.

But is it really bad? The Edison quote is kinda motivational. It lends to a personal belief I’ve tried to cultivate and reinforces my happiness that I let my last regret (that I’m aware of) go. A failure IS a bad thing when you let it hold you back or beat you down. It is NOT a bad thing when you can learn from it and grow from that moment. Take what you can, whatever it is and apply it to the future. It’s that idea we’ve heard that we must learn from the past to keep from making the same mistakes in the future. There’s plenty of time and room for new ones.

I don’t hold any false notions that I won’t fail again. I could cite a lifetime of examples of making the same or similar mistakes over and over again. The number of women that I’ve dated that seemed so normal in the beginning… that would be for another article.

How boring would life be if everything were perfect and structured? Would we be so perfect and structured that we wouldn’t care? Not that I could envision how this would occur other than some kind of group mind. Even the Borg had their own problems it seemed. But in some ways like them, it’s the struggle, the journey to try and reach a state of having fewer repeat failures. I’m all fine for making a brand new smart failure. Then I don’t feel so bad.

-Santa’s Fallen Angel

 

shock and awe campaign

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this week has been such an incredible roller coaster ride. and i haven’t thrown up once.

the email break up monday and feeling lost in my own mind partially from the sense of betrayal from the lack of communication and the lack of closure.

the long hours at work trying to hold onto the idea of why i got into this.

wondering if happiness with someone else is out there or even matters anymore next to making sure i’m happy in my life.

Then remembering today the biggest and most important lesson i can think of at this time.

i am me.

i am tired of the games in relationships and in other aspects of life that people feel some sick and twisted need to play.

the chasing and all that bullshit. fuck that.

i will not be goaded again into feeling guilty. my soapbox still stands that we choose how to feel. you can not make me feel a certain way. and people have to start taking responsibility for their actions or i will let the consequences happen. if i offer to do something, i do not want but need and expect to be met at least half way. i will not carry the burden by myself. that’s a choice. that’s a reality. what was i thinking letting myself get walked over all this time. will it continue to be a character trait or as i see it now, a character flaw. i’m not talking about letting go of chivalry. just giving a damn about something more.

if the recommendation is to try and lose this nice guy person, congratulations. it’s working. this is not anger or bitterness. this is cold truth. i need to start meaning more to myself. i need to remember to be #1 in my own life and to be honest to myself about my life. why did i stop going to movies and restaurants by myself if there was no one around.

i feel more lost than ever but not emotionally from the breakup. this is straight up spiritual. who am i and what the hell do i want in life. i have been and always will me my harshest critic. it’s hard to feel beat up by someone when you can punish yourself this much. something that has served me well throughout my life. i think that’s why i love and crave feedback. i want to learn and grow. i want to better understand myself. perhaps that’s why i value honesty so much and become so upset and angry when others don’t. there is too much cowardice in people these days.

*yes claire, it’s time to put on the communication pin*

perhaps it’s time to starting attacking life more forcefully. stop being so passive and fight for myself. at home, at work, in relationships and just about any and every other part of life.

this sense of, i think, justice is feeling very cathartic. in my life i try and hold no regrets except for one that i chose to hold onto as a ‘learning moment’ to help guide future actions.  it was a moment of indecision brought on by my fear of what others thought and i potentially missed a pivotal moment in life to obtain something wonderful. my carpe diem moment that has haunted me. i think i just let it go to. after all these years, the act of letting that point in time go and stop using it as an anchor to the past feels freeing to me. i think i can take that next step forward.

the future is ahead. there is no stopping it. but instead of riding it passively like a wave, it’s time to try and forge ahead, pushing the boundaries, making myself uncomfortable at times while i try and discover who i need to become in this phase of my self-growth.

i’m on a campaign to take back control of my life and i ain’t taking no prisoners.

-step aside peter. Santa’s Fallen Angel is storming the gates of christmastown –

Pain

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The pain seems unbearable at times. My mind shifting without my consent onto things I want to leave behind. Focus already difficult almost impossible now as I struggle to gather my thoughts into coherence. My selfishness rears its ugly head again as I want what I am being denied, solace and peace.

a blog purpose update

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i was asked why i haven’t said anything about the title of the blog. ok. now i have. it’s in the about section but i’m including in a post as well.

“i like to write when i can. i find it therapeutic. this blog started as a replacement journal for all the paper ones that i’ve lost or the electronic ones that just didn’t seem to work. as people have told me that they enjoy my writings i’ve tried to start writing more. so now not only is this blog for me to express myself but now this would be for everyone else to see what i’m up to and what’s going on in my slice of life.

as for the name. even i am not completely sure where it initially came from, but from what i remember the name is a mélange of thoughts. the santa that we know today is probably some fictional guy. i say probably just in case he’s real. i’d like to stay off the naughty list if i can. he might just smite me down with a shower of pointy candy canes. why not god smiting me down? just think about your last christmas. i’d wager that most people were thinking about what they were going to get or not going to get instead of remembering it’s christ-mas. you know that jesus fellow. not that one, the one that is supposed to be god’s son and died and all that stuff. i saw a great bumper sticker that said, “I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.” – Mahatma Gandhi

yes i’m picking on one particular group. deal.

we, the people, place much stock in things that aren’t real. we like to avoid reality at almost any cost. look at the number of reality shows. i have enough reality in my own life thank you very much. we also like to ignore what is going on around us and hide our heads in the sand hoping that problems will fix themselves and just go away. as stupid as this may sound, when i start thinking about how ‘difficult’ my life is, i try to remember that i can walk down the street without (much) worry that there will be a falling building from a rocket launcher attack or that someone might blow themselves up or that i won’t have a place to sleep at night or that i won’t have anything to eat. kinda puts things in perspective. america may suck in a lot of ways and i have ranted many times to friends but we also have a lot of really nice things too. ain’t no one perfect.

the fallen angel is another interesting idea. cast out of heaven for disobedience. disobedience from supposed free will. it’s a catch. if they have free will then they exercised it and were thrown out. basically you can think what you want but if you don’t do what you’re told you can just go to hell, literally. if they don’t have free will then god made angels whose purpose was to rebel and set up this whole game in motion. having attempted a walk down the path of christ, i picked up some things i found intriguing. heaven is not necessarily a resort to hook up again with friends and family. your job is to worship god and maybe learning. but for a moment i had another thought. what if… this heaven and hell stuff is flipped. who’s to say that the bad guy didn’t pull some fast ones and convinced people he was the good guy and to write his book. he’s supposed to be a deceiver in his own book right? what better way then to hide the truth that way and he gets the worshipers. maybe the fallen angel is a good guy that just bucked the bad system and is trying to actually help. well, we won’t know until the end if there is any answer at all. as well if it’s really free will, then let it be free, no strings attached, no bullying.

therefore, it’s “Santa’s Fallen Angel” a combination of trying to accept and live in reality as well as remembering to question doctrine.

i thank each and everyone that takes time to read what i’ve written. may you smile and laugh and feel renewed.”

the reality of life

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life has its ups and downs. without explanation i write today. and for posterity i put these words down so that i may reflect at a later time and find truth when this pain isn’t inside or as bad. if you are in your own pain now may these words touch you and bring light into your darkness.

“It feels like there is no more air to breathe and I will never take another breath. Pain too deep even tears are not enough. That is what it is like for me most times. But I know this for truth and that in time I will heal and I will move on. That is the only way to breathe again.”

-Nirav 11:22 2/5/13

on being me the physician

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Every so often and for reasons I don’t fully understand, I reminded that I’m a physician. I won’t get into a discussion on saying physician versus doctor as it can get heated and that’s not the point of this. I’ve been in some aspect of healthcare since 1997 and an MD since 2004, but most of the time it isn’t necessarily something I think about. I am a physician. It is what I do. It is part of what I am. As there are the jokes about people and their pets looking like one another, perhaps what we do helps to change us, that it is no long a job but part of our personality. Or maybe it was our personality to begin with that led us to our job. Chickens vs eggs throughout our lives.

I go to work. I teach when I can because that’s also part of who I am. And I go home to be on call. At work I am reminded of my title when people say “Dr. Chaudhari” or “Doctor” but maybe because it is at work that I’m not thinking about it so much. The other day I was picking up a prescription and while I was waiting I was absorbed in a book. The pharmacist only called out “Doctor” but I immediately came alert and turned toward him. My title must have been on the prescription or maybe it was in the system. I usually try to hide who I am in public. When initially asked many times I do respond with the title “Teacher”. And I mean it. Doctor in latin means “to teach”. As a pediatrician I considered the number one aspect of my role was to teach. Specifically I mostly do that teaching to the parents, not the patient.

Of course there is nothing to be embarrassed of which leads to the title switch. The problem is that usually once someone knows my title, their perception changes, whether it is on haggling for a purchase or even in a conversation. Once my title is known what I am comes to replace who I am. I am not what I do. But what I do is mostly definitely part of who I am.

Titles can help and hurt. At work it is needed to get the work done. That’s a given. You could be cuckolded at home yet be a CEO of a large corporation. The title of that job sure isn’t helping at home and maybe it’s the title and what comes with it that is causing the marital problem to begin with.

I am a hypocrite though. I can’t honesty say that I’ve never used my title outside of work and for my own benefit. I’ve used it for other people’s benefit and I’m usually ok with that if it was warranted but for myself I do feel guiltier. I have used it calling an insurance company to fight a charge or get it paid faster so the place I went to doesn’t send me a bill. I’ve used it with another insurance company to get them to pay for something they supposedly said they would pay for (it eventually worked once I got a hold of someone who knew what they were talking about.). I’ve used it when I was out and as usual, not dressed like a physician and I was being talked down to. I’ve been told by others that at times I may not use my title but I slip into “Doctor mode” when my attitude changes from usual passive to commanding and authoritative. Yeah, that idea shocks me too. I’d almost like someone to record it just so I can what it looks and sounds like.

I could go on and on with my personal thoughts on where medicine was, is and seems to be headed but I’m not.

Stick a fork in me, I’m done.

-Santa’s Fallen Angel

 

“Because I Can”

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There are two phrases or ideas that I use quite frequently. One very satirically to those that know me well enough but that could also be taken as very condescending to those that don’t know me well. The first phrase is “I’m a doctor” or “I’m a trained medical professional.”

Generally this is used to self-deprecate in a situation where I may have said something witty or smart or even both. Truth be told I don’t consider myself witty or smart. What I do is part of who I am and I know a whole lot of people much smarter than me. When I’m asked what I would do in life if I wasn’t a pediatrician, I could come up with other things I’d like to try but really, I think I’m actually good at what I do and I enjoy it.

Yeah, I wish medicine was equal to the idea of what most of us thought we were signing up for. You know, time to spend with patients, being able to educate as much as needed, great follow-up, and a medical home. Not the 10-15 minute visit with little time to educate as needed and a follow-up that is with someone in a group of a practice that might not even be the one they normally go to. Stupid soapbox, time to step off.

Anyway. This phrase must come naturally and quickly in order to be effective at its intended goal of generating humor. If said in a condescending manner then it and I failed. An example could be something as simple as someone asking a medical or non-medical question to which I could actually generate a true answer or hypothesis. If there is a double take or follow-up statement of “How’d you know that?” and if I’m quick enough I can then quickly retort, “I’m a doctor.” The other medical retort, “I’m a trained medical professional,” I’ve only started using recently and while it can be used synonymously I’m trying to ascertain if it should be or have its own time and place. Time will tell.

The second phrase is “Because I Can.” Now one may think this is a quite simple phrase/idea but I find that it is very deep and soul stretching. This is used in many more types of situations. Why donate money? Why give food out to someone homeless? Why help someone load their items into their truck? Why spend time doing whatever? Why give to my friends? “Because I Can.” You see how this works? This also applies to why a certain trip is taken or skydiving or scuba diving or anything else of that nature as well.

I see this abstractly as a symbol of power. And as such, not sarcastically, it can be used for good or evil. I think and hope that I only use it for good such as the examples above. Now there is that flip side. Why not steal that item? Why not lie this time? Why not just enjoy myself be damned the consequences to others? You can also answer these with “Because I Can.” And therein lies the moral heart of the phrase.

I stop here not because I can’t write anything else but because writing more may just rob one’s own thinking of the depth of this.

-Santa’s Fallen Angel