Category Archives: Uncategorized

Honesty or the version that best looks like it

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Please feel free to leave comments. Something you say may just open up someone else’s mind, a gift that keeps giving.

Merriam Webster Definition of HONESTY

1 obsolete : chastity
2a: fairness and straightforwardness of conduct
2b: adherence to the facts : sincerity
3: any of a genus (Lunaria) of European herbs of the mustard family with toothed leaves and flat disk-shaped siliques

So today I will be talking about herbs of the mustard family and how we can eat things like dandelions and chia seeds to enhance our lives. Or maybe I’m not and will try 2a/2b since I’ve never eaten a dandelion and never even owned a chia pet or eaten chia seeds.

So. Honesty. The don’t lie to me version instead.

Why do we even lie to begin with? I know some of my reasons. An acceptable lie being “of course no one is at your house to scare the bejesus out of you for your birthday.” Another would be “nope. no one here pointing a gun at me. you should probably just leave anyway.” I think I would completely say those things and be just fine. The #1 reason though being Fear. Good ole’ fashion Fear. That’s right with a capital F (not capitol since this isn’t a building). The kind of fear like when you’re a med student/resident and you’re getting pimped and you’re so exhausted you can’t think straight and when you’re asked a question you just make up the answer. Ironically, while I’ve been accused of this as a resident, I never did it. I gave the best information I had with full knowledge that I didn’t know very much. No reason to lie. Even as a med student I didn’t need to. I think my years in EMS taught me a little more self-confidence in dealing with ‘doctors’. My first ED rotation as an intern got me an interesting evaluation with some of the attendings thinking that I was overconfident, probably not knowing my EMS background lending to my confidence and comfort in the ER. I digress.

Have I lied in fear before. You betcha. I used to worry a lot more about what people thought of me and what consequences would be based on x y and z. Fits the modern idea of Politics. That maneuvering we associate these days with backstabbing and lying and doing whatever it takes to get what you want even if it involves going back on the things you’ve just said you will do or believe in. What’s a little lie now if it gets you what you want. You can blame someone else later. Eventually I realized I didn’t really care so much. Just do what I’m doing the best that I can and if I can go home with a clear conscience and sleep well, I’m doing alright. Now don’t get some idea that life became better and angels started singing. They were probably laughing their asses off at me. Actually, do angels have asses? Do you crap in heaven? I don’t remember that being addressed in the bible. Squirrel! (for those of you that get the joke)

I wonder if I’ve just offended anyone? Those were honest questions weren’t they? Brings up the notion of ‘too honest’ as I hear it. Truth is truth isn’t it? How could it be more truthful? We’re not talking about a white lie or lie of omission.

Anyway, these days most people who know me know that I just answer the question if you ask it. You might really hate the answer so you have to be very careful asking it. They answer might also be, “None of your damn business”. That’s still an answer in my book. You really want to know how you look in those jeans or just want someone to lie to you and stroke your ego? I’ll tell you if they are too small… if you ask me. Maybe too honest would be just offering my opinion without being asked. Food for thought.

What do I have to fear in life right now that I need to worry about the need of a lie? I’m single and have no real ties to anything. Am I worried I might get fired? Not really. I can go back to Locums or move and find a new job. Onto the next instance.

How many times in a relationship, the couple type, has there been a problem because someone just didn’t tell the truth. Isn’t the basic mantra that the media portrays is to tell the truth. Be honest. Don’t lie to loved ones. But how many people really want the truth? No seriously. You ask for it. You say you want someone to tell you like it is. But when someone does you get really upset and that “you hurt my feelings.” You’re right. I took my mechanical pencil and stabbed you in the feelings. I think it’s located about 2 cm above and 1 cm to the right of the belly button. Or I used my jedi/ninja mind control abilities and made you feel something you didn’t want to or these weren’t the right droids. Perhaps you chose to feel the way you wanted to feel. You chose to become hurt. I’ve said her name before. Check her out. Pema Chodron. It won’t be the last.

We interpret what people say to us and we choose how we want to react to said people. When I say something that pisses someone off from something misinterpreted, the first thing I usually ask them, if they are still even listening, is if it is something they would think I would do or say. If the answer is yes. Game over. Nothing will work at that point. But if the answer is no then I simply ask you to reevaluate what you thought and your response and see where it is coming from inside of you. There are plenty of times we may snap at someone because we had one really shitty day (or a string of them) and we just lost it in that moment. I’ve done it and you’ve done it. That’s reality. Now flip that thought. Someone just snapped at you and tried to take a big fuckin’ chunk out of your ass. Do you choose to get pissed right back for that small sliver in time you just went through or do you wonder if they had a really shitty day and just lost it in that moment and give them the smallest chance that they didn’t mean it. Once again, don’t take this too far. I’m not Jesus. I don’t always turn the other cheek. Once may be an accident, more is probably a habit. Also, there are gradations in life. Stress and worrying are relatives in the scheme of things. For the most part I don’t worry that the bus is going to explode or someone is going to suicide bomb in my grocery store. I don’t worry about shellings or being assassinated. I generally don’t worry about my skin color or citizenship. I have food. I have clothing. I have shelter. And I have companionship on those days I want it. My stress and worrying just don’t really even tip the scales from a global perspective.

Well, I’ve gotten off topic but that’s a good thing. It reminds me that I need to get to sleep. So good night.

Yours Truly,

Santa’s Fallen Angel

Thinking ahead…

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Yes! From now on to celebrate our love of tech and merging of body and tech for next years valentines instead of saying “would you be my valentine” we should say “would you be my +1”.

dichotomy, dualism and big words like that

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As always, I want comments and feedback if anyone wants to leave me any. Helps me to know if anyone is reading.

Definitions from Merriam Webster online:

du·al·ism noun ˈdü-ə-ˌli-zəm also ˈdyü-: Definition of DUALISM that I’m trying to using: the quality or state of being dual or of having a dual nature

di·chot·o·my noun dī-ˈkä-tə-mē also də-: Definitions of DICHOTOMY that I’m trying to using: 1: a division into two especially mutually exclusive or contradictory groups or entities; also : the process or practice of making such a division; 4: something with seemingly contradictory qualities

What is this rambling about? As usual it just takes something going on in my life for me to throw my thoughts to the universe.

Philanthropy: phi·lan·thro·py noun fə-ˈlan(t)-thrə-pē: a : an act or gift done or made for humanitarian purposes.

Yup. Giving stuff away. I’ve had several situations come up recently and I’m interested in how I acted/reacted to them. I find that in some circumstances I can donate something and not think twice about it but the majority of the time I can’t just leave it alone.

I like the La Montañita Co-op. Great idea of using local community resources. Price isn’t always the cheapest but the idea is to get better quality and more sustainability. That whole saving the earth and more important, saving ourselves thing. Do we want more colony collapse? I’m slowly getting my body into a better state of health. It’s not that I slip with my food choices. I know full well what I’m shoving into my pie hole. I choose to do it anyway because it’s probably very yummy. I still wanted a way to show them my support. Instead of donating (if I even could) money, I chose to go for a membership. Give them some money and get something back. Damn. There goes the pure heart of philanthropy I was trying to aim for. I wanted to get something back. It makes me feel better like I’m not wasting my money. I’m still pondering the implications with the added knowledge that I haven’t actually bought a single item from the place yet and now I have a lifetime membership.

My next dilemma. The biopark society. I think I want to go every so often to see what’s new and take my time looking around. No need to rush through from a single ticket purchased. I think it’s great to have a zoo, aquarium and botanical gardens. Same kind of deal. I want to donate money but don’t want it do disappear into the ether. I’m looking at renewing my membership and looking at all the goody perks I can get depending on the level I’ll be joining. Regular tickets for the summer concerts are $10. That’s it. But I’m giddy at the thought of only getting them for $5 with my membership. And not just myself. If other people are going I can get their tickets for the same price. And of course the free concerts and unlimited admissions.

Here’s the thing though. Is it wrong or bad to want value for the money spent? I supported the symphony with season tickets even if they went bankrupt and I never got to use my last few ones (not bitter at all.. grumble grumble). Now we have the philharmonic that I try to catch when I can. Donate money? Sure thinking about it since tickets alone don’t cover the cost. And then there was the debacle with the Natural History Museum. What a nightmare! I bought a basic membership spur of the moment not realizing what else they had to offer. When I wanted to upgrade it was a hassle. I tried contacting the right person and no one in the office ever got back to me. I ended up cancelling my membership and asking for a refund because the customer service was the worst I think I’ve ever run across that I can remember. No one even tried to contact me to ask me my problem or try to work on a solution even after I explained everything. I wanted to donate money but they made it so difficult I told them they lost a small benefactor. And they still didn’t care! It makes me NOT want to donate to others. But here we go again. Couldn’t I have just done it… donated… without wanting something back?

Crap. Therein lies the crux of the problem and getting to my beginning.

I feel like two people sometimes. I want to donate and help but I feel what I think are greed and want inside. I’m still trying to figure this out. I’m not a millionaire that I can just let money go with that much ease. I want something back for my ‘purchase’ but still feel guilty about it.

Alas, I shall live in this quagmire of thoughts and continue as is until I have something decided. Give and donate when it doesn’t seem to tickle my wants and at other times indulge in a purchase that is both giving and receiving at the same time. I didn’t win the lottery tonight although it peeved me how close the numbers were on some of the tickets. No extra special philanthropy tonight for me.

As I’m fond of this phrase:

Stick a fork in me I’m done.

Santa’s Fallen Angel

eggs and chickens

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That’s what I’m calling today’s thoughts.

What’s this about? Beginnings and endings or should it be endings and beginnings? That’s what. What beginnings and ends you ask. Or maybe you don’t ask. I’m writing for me anyway.

Does my past push me to into the future, whatever it may be, or does the future that I hold in my heart and mind pull me forward?

I know I am the sum of my past. That’s a given for me. I try to not turn away from painful memories or experiences. They’ve helped to make me… me. If you like the me that I am, yeah! that’s my past at work. If you don’t, deal with it. This is who you get. At least until such time that I am the me in the future.

Sometimes I wonder who I am and ponder the choices I’ve made in my life and what they mean for my future. Back to the previous idea, do I let my past push me forward or do I be led into my future? Where or when is the role for taking leaps of faith? Belief and faith are different for me. If I believe, I hold it true (or mostly true) in my mind. Let it be so as it were. Faith is that which requires “a leap of faith.” That idea that you don’t know what’s coming up and are hoping it’s going to turn out well. Many times with crossed fingers and palpitations and lots of stress.

There are parts of my past that I want in my future and I’m working to try to get those in place. I have a very vague view of what I want for my future. On a set of scales I feel I’m still at balance though. Bringing those parts of my past into the present will take some work and might be a fail but will be well worth the effort I hope. Should I be trying to clear up the picture of my future or continue to hold onto this vague idea and try not to rock the tiny skiff that I’m on? I am a pretty weak swimmer. Is drowning bad though? It may suck but it can pretty eye-opening and very educational. Maybe if I dive I’ll grow gills and follow a new path. Hey, I’ll admit it, I thought Ariel was pretty hot when the movie came out. That wouldn’t have been such a bad path if I had landed on that one back then.

I don’t know what my future holds and for right now that isn’t such a bad thing. I’m not going in blind, just not trying to force anything right now.

Perhaps one of these following pictures may solve the original question.

http://static.fjcdn.com/pictures/Chicken_a21dc7_685833.jpg

http://i305.photobucket.com/albums/nn227/BlameThrower_photo/WhichCameFirst_Fullpic_11.gif

http://druniverse.wsu.edu/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/2001Winter_AskDrUniverse_chicken_egg.jpg

-Santa’s Fallen Angel

Unexpected surprise

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There are just those times in life when things seems to fall into place cosmically. You decide (or were nudged) to contact someone. Then you actually meet them. Then you meet people connected to them. Then you find out that you aren’t as crazy as you thought or you’re all crazy together.

Having one’s eyes reopened is not always such a pleasant experience. But that’s our choice I think because of how we perceive things. Being opened up forces us to see what is around us and sometimes more painfully, what is inside of us. We can choose to either to stay/go back to the safe place we came from or take that momentary step into uncomfortableness that can be a source of new happiness. Many of these things are tied into emotions. And if nothing else, I know that I’m a creature of emotions. It’s not always so easy to keep myself in check. I stay vigilant in holding the up and down swings from getting too far off with varying degrees of success. My whole life I’ve been told that my emotions are generally known or seen before I have admitted it to myself.

Note to self: avoid poker tournaments.

I am a believer that people can be an inspiration to others and this can be a great opportunity. It can lead to good or bad changes but no matter what, we have to accept the responsibility for those changes. No one makes us do anything we don’t want to do. One somewhat fake scenario has to do with someone holding a gun to your head and ‘making’ you choose to do something or make some decision. You might feel stress and pressure but still the decision is yours. You could just say, “Nope. Not doing it.” even if the consequences are everyone being shot.

I continue to feel inspired to make positive changes in my life. Diabetes and heart disease are an american staple. I know I should be taking better care of myself. Exercising and eating well are good places to start and I’ve made small changes in this direction. I can tell myself a hundred times that I need to be better. It just hasn’t happened been consistent. It’s my responsibility. It’s my choice. And it has to be for myself.

I hope in the coming weeks and months I can start to make those decisions that I think are for a betterment to my mind, body and spirit. I look forward to this challenge as I have an inspiration.

-It’s not an uphill battle, just an opportunity to get some exercise.-

Fear and loathing

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How often do you find yourself in a moment where you start to wonder why you are doing what you are doing at that exact moment in time?

I have found myself on a documentary kick these past few weeks and I can say that I’m afraid. I’m scared out of my mind. Not completely debilitating but for a few moments I don’t think there was a single thought just emotions.

Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead

Ingredients

Waiting for Superman

Forks Over Knives

Vanishing of the Bees

King Corn

Food, Inc

These documentaries have been on health, nutrition, diet, our food and our education system. All of those seem to me to be up at Code Red as potential national threats go. Unfortunately, we seem to be the real threat to ourselves. I don’t want this to be thought of a Yeah America. We rule! kind of ethnocentric thinking.

http://multi-medium.net/wp-content/uploads/2007/09/americanworld.gif

This is more of a what the hell have we done and is there even a chance to fix things!

I feel like I’ve been in a haze of thinking, not only of what are we doing to ourselves and our children but what have I been doing to myself. I’m hoping that I can keep these thoughts in my head and start putting my life and body back into a better place. I want to keep writing but I keep thinking about these movies and I think I’m done for now. I need to go meditate… or was that medicate?

-Waiting

Hello world!

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Welcome to WordPress.com. After you read this, you should delete and write your own post, with a new title above. Or hit Add New on the left (of the admin dashboard) to start a fresh post.

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A Christmas Hijacking

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All day I got to hear Merry Christmas. Top three topics are gifts and family and food. I do find this interesting. Not once did I hear or see anything about Christ. I’m not a believer myself but for some reason today I feel ticked off that the day got hijacked. I still wonder how I should and want to respond.

Happy Holidays? I don’t celebrate any holidays here either really.

Happy winter? It’s not winter everywhere. Plus, it’s cold. I’m not happy for the cold except for wearing sweaters and coats. Also for the winter sports yes, but overall not into the weather.

Season’s greetings is the same. What season? We’re talking about the holiday and/or the weather.

Now I know I’m coming off as a Scrooge. So be it. I guess it ticks me off a little to hear people preach one thing and practice another and get upset when you call them out on it.

This is supposed to His day and all. I’m happy to say that one of the nurses and her family showed a wonderful giving nature this season to a family in need. Not to detract from them but why do we tend to wait until this time of year to do so. Don’t people have needs throughout the year?

I buy my own gifts. That’s my choice. I also buy things for other people throughout the year. Not everyone. Not even a select choice. If I’m in the store or online and I see something that someone would like, it’s much easier for me to get it and give it then instead of waiting for a time of year that I don’t celebrate. I’ve been told that I need to be more responsive and open to the beliefs of others and respect those days. I get it. I would if I actually thought they were celebrating Christ and not buying presents as a status symbol or because someone said they wanted something. And then I probably wouldn’t be getting them anything except maybe a letter about the money that I donated on their behalf. I’m sure that would piss off some people because they didn’t get something tangible. Screw the christmas spirit for some if it interferes with capitalism. Leading up to today I’ve heard from many people talking about how their family or friends wanted X, Y or Z item. Sometimes X, Y AND Z. Really? Fine if you want to celebrate that kind of holiday power to you. It’s great to get together with friends and family to be together, but it does bother me that people use this time of year to show one another that they care through material gifts that are EXPECTED. Isn’t that a reason why we have gift receipts?

Stick a fork in me, I’m done.

-Santa’s Fallen Angel-

the end of the year is upon us

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i was going to just start with xmas and ramble on from there but found much more to talk about… (you may not wish to read unless you have sufficient holiday spirit)

random rambling… the 3 wise men thing as far as i know wasn’t just 3 wise men. actually, using concordances i don’t see where a number is listed. just some guys. moving on now.

those that know me know that i’m not a big fan of holidays as a general. most are days of the year that have been taken over by shopping and expectations. let’s go through the biggies… (numbers and figures may be totally made up on the spot by me and are therefore 100% accurate).

1. new years eve/day: not so bad really. people get together. party. drink. watch the ball drop if you stay up that late. some convenient/inconvenient hookups to be noted when you wake up in the next year. resolutions are made. most with good intent. and most of those broken before the day is up. instead of diet plan, try a lifestyle change.

2. birthdays: yeah. hypocrite 100%. i celebrate others but keep mine quiet. i hope the people who want to talk to me just pick up the phone and call, not wait until a calendar throws up a reminder. i skipped out on a surprise birthday party in med school that my ex setup. i told her i didn’t want anything and she went ahead and did one. i was more upset that she specifically asked me what i wanted (nothing in this case) and went against it. good intention, bad outcome. i never showed up.

3. valentines day or as it was recently renamed by a female friend to “happy bitches day”: it was renamed for the idea that this one day each year is held with trepidation by both men and women alike. men for having this one day of the year to prove their love since the other days may not be in the correct celestial alignment to boost the power of venus and the grand connection between the couple. women because if their man doesn’t do something spectacular it proves that he doesn’t love her or care about her wants/needs/desires/jewelry needs (http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,1561741,00.html) or something like that if i understand things correctly. praise be to the debeer’s “a diamond is forever” campaign. a continuation of socialized prostitution. defined by merriam-webster: the act of having sex in exchange for money. or in this case lobster, diamonds, and/or roses.

4. mardi gras (shrove tuesday): as i learned on my trip to new orleans the native that gave us our tour stated while they do have their parade, the natives don’t celebrate like the drunken tourists. more like a 4th of july grilling. leave it up to the american tourist to turn it into a drunken festival and breast showing event. i’ve also read that it is also considered the last catholic day to indulge before the fasting of lent

5. st patrick’s days: similar to mardi gras. but in the spirit of international cooperation, we get to drink with the irish.

6. cinco de mayo: also similar to the others. my understanding is that we celebrate it more strongly than the mexicans do themselves.

7. mother’s/father’s/grandmother’s/grandfather’s/etc days: nice idea in concept. i could do better with calling home. but it helps those who don’t to show that even one day a year you might be forgiven for not calling or writing any other time.

8. july 4th: how many people do you see NOT being able to sing/know the words of the star-spangled banner? also, while we use the term BBQ, it’s not really correct. see this: http://shine.yahoo.com/southern-food/bbq-v-grilling-whats-the-difference-2495209.html. quick and simple definitions. most people are not actually BBQing. they are grilling.

9. thanksgiving: finally. something that isn’t so commercialized. yes there may be some decorations but for the most part an actual bona fide good day. a time for people get together and in theory remember good times and enjoy good company. there’s also the american past time of not only stuffing the turkey but pigging out so much buttons may pop one’s garments starting the two months or so of gorging until the new years for resolutions.

10. black friday: yeah. time to buy stuff. a nice holiday made up to sell sell sell… stuff we probably don’t need or even want a few months after they are bought.

10a. cyber monday: this i place as a corollary and not by itself. it’s too close to black friday to give its own number. simply an extension of black friday for tech stuff. these days though there are usually much better sales before black friday even starts. at least for the higher quality items. praise be to online shopping.

time to ramble: so, being that i forget about holidays and in this case xmas. i made the big mistake on a day off to go pick up something from the store. i know i wasn’t thinking. first trying to figure out why there was so much traffic. then trying to figure out why there was no parking. it finally took until i stepped into the store and saw the fake snow/snowflakes and holiday wrapping to realize people were xmas shopping. thankfully i was picking up my item bought online. short line then out the door. repeat experience at REI and then high tailed it to the safety of my home and away from crazy drivers/shoppers.

11. halloween: overall not so bad. big for commercialism. decent parties. and yes, a good time as any for some socially acceptable scantily clad female costumes. there probably are male ones as well. not interested in those. kids get to go around a get lots of candy to help keep dentists in business for the rest of their lives. not that they need much help with soda and other junk food served year round. ah for the days of medical physicals for all the dental surgeries that were complicated enough to require OR time. kids. don’t worry. your grill may not be fancy and studded with diamonds but will be just as shiny until you get your dentures.

11a. dia de los muertos: better

and finally

12. christmas/winter holiday time!! time to celebrate capitalism and the idea of “what am i going to get?”/”i didn’t get what i asked for?”/”what do you mean give to others? this isn’t about me? how much did this cost?”, santa, kwanza, festivus, (c)hanukkah and some guy that people tend not to thank much for giving us some days off and grief over holiday schedules.

remember: it’s not about what someone may have thoughtfully done for you during the year but what they bought for you during said specific holiday or calendar date. so learn the lesson well. if you find something for someone, buy it, store it away until the right time of the year to give one of many gifts instead of being some single solitary thoughtful gift and hope they haven’t bought it themselves or someone else hasn’t bought it for them already. and don’t forget the gift receipt. that’s sometimes the only way to return something.

a merry bah humbug to you all. and to all a good night.

-Nirav- aka Santa’s Little Helper

these following are not references but similar articles/ideas.

http://www.businesspundit.com/the-commercialization-our-25-favorite-holidays/

http://www.nytimes.com/2005/12/04/opinion/04sun3.html

http://press.princeton.edu/titles/5713.html

http://fremdamericanstudies.ning.com/profiles/blogs/holiday-commercialization-do

http://www.jstor.org/pss/2078795