fiction in reality, reality in fiction, reality from fiction

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The way I see it books of fiction, not including fantasy, are based with experiences or imagination but modified. That’s why they aren’t non-fiction, although one could argue some non-fiction books based in history are subject to the research of the writer which itself can be tainted and not wholly factual. In the reality of the life in general people try and avoid it and lie to others and themselves to make it through day to day.

Reality in fiction

In any writing that I’ve done, either here or in pursuit of producing a work of literature more than a few pages, I take what I know and what I’ve learned, or think I know and learned, and try to apply it to a fictional world and life of someone else to make a new fictional reality, one in which I hope that someone reading it would lose themselves and experience a possibility that I tried to relate to and they might find themselves empathizing with. Wow. Long sentence and probably grammatically wrong in there somewhere.

Poetry, short stories, novellas, plays, novels. All the same as far as writing goes for me and how I approached them as above. A better writer may do more research to create their world and characters. If/when I get around to either cleaning up something I’ve written or more likely writing something new, maybe I’ll find out for myself if I can do it from my head and ego or do I need to do some intense research to make it through my own fake world.

Fiction in Reality

*Disclaimer* I have a tv but I can’t remember the last show I actually followed or watched. It was a choice to stop since I found myself trying to keep up with shows instead of living my life and that darn HDDVR seemed to become the center of my world. The struggle to get through the shows before it filled up and deleted something I hadn’t seen. Now I rarely turn on the tv for a show. It’s mainly for watching movies.

Why are there so many reality tv shows out there? Why are we fascinated by the lives of others that are possibly so removed from our own that we can’t really make a connection? I can’t say that I empathize with a rich single attractive bachelor with scores of (mostly) hot women that seem to be willing to do just about anything to have him pick her for a lifetime of supposedly blissful happiness. The thing is I’ve probably only seen a handful episodes and only then because someone else was watching it at the time. The bachelorette, survivor, 16 and pregnant, toddlers and tiaras, the amazing race, the biggest loser, kate (and john) plus 8, top chef, hells’ kitchen, extreme home makeover, undercover boss, cops, celebrity apprentice, and the list can go on and on.

On a personal level I find some of these shows not to be so bad and others make me want to puke and question if man will one day be ‘civilized’ before we die off from a nuclear disaster or a biological experiment gone wrong. Not necessarily bioterrorism. It could be something genetically modified that is thought to be harmless.

What about those shows that aren’t ‘reality’ themed in nature but just a regular tv show. Breaking bad, in plain sight, heroes, six feet under, mad men, etc. I think I could argue these are in their own way reality style shows. It seems to be a difference in the level of fakeness. In heroes, there is a fictional reality based in the possible sci-fi of genetics. In the sopranos, they took a fictional mob family and ran with it. Both of these are based on some sense of a past, present or future reality. How is that much different from the biggest loser where people are placed in a fictional world where all expenses are taken care of, they don’t work or have to pay for meals and the services of a personal trainer to possibly lose me in weight. Then they go home at some point either from losing or at the end and they must maintain themselves. I don’t know how many actually continue on their own and keep off the weight. It still seems like a constructed fake reality. I can empathize with the desire and need to get back into shape and I face the reality of it each and every moment. I remember my father and his weight and I struggle to force myself into a better shape. For my own health, as an example to others and because I superficially just want to look better in the mirror.

Reality from Fiction

The reality in the fiction of any denial I have is that I have work to do. There is no fiction in this reality on mine that I can avoid. While reading and education can help me learn how to help myself, no amount of tv watching or news reading will take a single calorie off my gut if I don’t do it myself. But perhaps, just maybe, sometimes we can use fiction to create a new reality. The elite athlete might lie to himself by saying that he is the best or fastest to get his mind into the right place and maybe create a reality where he does win. A state of mind helping one to achieve a goal. I can envision myself in a time and place where I was thin and in good shape and could run a sub-20 minute 5k and can use that to motivate myself to keep working on myself. I was there once, why can’t I get close to it again? I don’t think I’ll easily get back to that person but why not make a good effort at it.

-Santa’s Fallen Angel

In the end the turkey still loses

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Why the following has latched onto my brain I don’t know, but I feel like this is leading to some great epiphany or a great madness. Either could be a fun ride.

Stuffing. Such a simple word. Yet it can mean three different things.

The act, the food, the stuff in objects.

Here we go. I am stuffing the stuffing into the turkey. I am stuffing the stuffing into the cushion.

Language is so interesting sometimes when I actually pay attention to it as I use it but really when I hear or read it from someone else. I have a facebook friend that chooses to write in what seems like a foreign twisted version of the english language. The thing is I can actually understand what she writes, mostly. Even though I had never seen those letters combined in such a way, they mostly made sense. I’m perplexed. I don’t know why I’m perplexed but I am.

Isn’t that somewhat how language works?

You start making your own sounds and hearing from others and you watch people talking and you watch those lip movements. You then start to mimic these. You get feedback and repetition. Then the dreaded alphabet. We have it lucky. If my random knowledge holds, I think the Chinese language has about 10,000 characters. Right? We have 26 to use to make words. 10,000! I think my brain just had a seizure. I can’t imagine someone knowing all of the characters AND the words they make up. But I’m sure they need to know more than 26 characters.

It’s still interesting that the English/American language (I don’t say footpath) is still considered a complicated language. I do get it. I read (present tense) things from people who live here that can’t use basic language skills. Like college level people who are still working on writing a complete sentence and paragraph. Not to say I don’t make mistakes when I write. I do. I also take liberties with the language. I don’t always write complete sentences.

If you get a chance to talk to someone who wasn’t born here or had a very proper education you can immediately tell the difference. The spelling and grammar are usually spot on. Unfortunately maybe because we don’t write so good it can seem mechanical and too precise. Like the way most real-life animated creatures are obviously fake and we’re ok with that but those animated creatures that are getting closer to acting/looking like humans just creep us out. They are on the edge but just not good enough yet. We can still spot the difference.

Getting back…

After the alphabet, we work on combining them into things we call words. C. A. T. = ?

It’s ok if you missed that one. Everyone needs a goal to strive for. But it’s not just how you put those letters together. It’s the other words around it that can give it meaning and how to pronounce it. I have read (red) it. I will read (reed) it. Then there are the words that sound alike. I will right the problems when I write about rites. This is a quintuple doozy since right and write and rite sound alike and right can be to correct, the direction, and a claim. You read the sentence and if you know of the rules you can understand what it means. It’s the rules and the corollaries to the rules and the exceptions to the rules and the exceptions to the exceptions (I made this last one up), that confuse the crap out of people who trying to figure out the language. A perverse reason I wish we could read and write american better as a country.

As this year progresses ponder on the nature of the word and be thankful at thanksgiving that we can communicate. And as I said, in the end the turkey still loses, unless it’s tofurkey.

Yeah I know, I stretched at the end to bring it back to the title. I can’t say it deviated from the intent since this one grew as I put thought to electron.

Hoping for a more educated world.

-Santa’s Fallen Angel

Resurrection

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I remember a time in life, high school specifically, when I knew I wanted to be a writer. No matter what anyone else said or put in my path, I was pointed in one direction and marching forward, be damned the obstacles in my way. I never cared to be a great student. Too much work for an A+ when a B+ or A- left me to do other things.

I remember a national writing contest when I was in AP English. My dreams were coming true. I was going to take something I had written and polish it up and submit it. I would be recognized and maybe someone would help me to become that much of a better writer. I would show everyone who said that I couldn’t do it or that I’d never make a life of it.

For about four months I spent most nights working to clean up one chapter of a book I had already started working on. It wasn’t the first thing I had started but the first that I had dedicated myself to for that length of time and pages.

Night after night. Page after page I went line by line and tried to make sure the story was clear, the dialogue made sense, characters were introduced and growing. Like many first chapters this was the beginning, of the book and my future. I filled out the application, printed off the chapter and reread it one more time for anything major I would need to correct before handing it to my teacher to look over and submit.

Gently placing it all in a manila envelope I handed it off to her with plenty of time in my mind. Time to wait. Time to agonize over what someone else thought of it. First the teacher then the competition. No one had ever read anything I had written before unless it was in secret without my knowledge.

Weeks went by after the deadline then a couple of months. I was nervous at this time. I took the time to approach the teacher to see if she had heard back or if there was a problem.

She told me she never got around to it and therefore never submitted it.

Stunned would be such a low approximation of that moment. I wanted to yell at her after I recovered.

I was crushed. Everyone was right. This writing crap was a waste of time and energy and I would never amount to anything.

In college I took a few writing classes. Poetry and short fiction. I produced some nice pieces in my mind but it was just work for class. I was dead inside.

I’ve been working on my journal/blog for a relatively short time now and it’s always felt good to write. When I produced Agapeopsis it felt better than good. It felt great. I was alive. Resurrected into a new life and opportunities. It’s not the same as before. Then it was a goal to be a full-time writer. Now it will continue to be something I do when I can. A refound love. A worthy sacrifice.

I’ve been writing for myself really all this time. A cleansing of the spirit. But today with my fifth follower, I was glowing. I remember the passion and joy now in knowing someone else was interested in something I had to say. These people CHOSE to follow me. Ok. Four of the five did. I won’t count family. But four people I don’t know somewhere in the world wanted to see what I wrote. Hot damn! I still plan on writing for myself but I have a new drive as well. Not to gain new followers although that would be nice but to give peace and joy to another even if there was only one other.

Thanks to everyone that reads and I would appreciate comments just to know if what I’m writing is even making sense or touching you. That’s better than a follower but you’re welcome to do both. :)

-Santa’s Fallen Angel

Agapeopsis

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Thanatos – death

Agápe – true love, not eros or philia

Opsis – sight

Thanatopsis, translated as meditation on death. The title of a poem by Bryant

Agapeopsis, meditation on true love?

Yup. That’s right. That’s my word. The dictionary people can’t hog them all. I’ve checked google and bing. If it doesn’t show up on a search it much not exist in the world. So I’ve now created it.

So what am I talking about.

True love right? Of course you and I already know everything there is about this. What was that? You fell off the chair while spewing your drink out of your nose. Wear a harness next time. Perhaps we don’t know as much as we thought. And I probably understand even less than that.

Getting back into the dating scene I’ve rejoined online sites and they all seem to want to know about past loves and how many times in love and do you want love. The more I think about it, the less I think I even know. For the longest time I would answer “Yes, I’ve been in love. I want love. I love falling in love.” With my ex Natalie I thought I had it all. The moment and I mean that literally, I saw her at my door I fell for her. Done and done. She had heard I didn’t have a blanket and it was going to be cold. She brought me her extra. Seriously. How awesome. And while I’ve heard otherwise from people, I think she was smoking hot. I remember times I told her I loved her. I would hope she would say the same back. Ups and downs for almost two years. Joyous highs and painful lows. Together and broken up and together again. With all my love I even spontaneously asked her to marry me at one point. I should have realized things were set to fail when after all our time together she couldn’t spell my last name. I digress.

But still, what is love? Is it physical? Our heart beats faster, flushing occurs, blood surges, leaving some parts and rushing to others parts of the body that might be umm needed sooner or later. The mind locks on target to that one person. But that’s just for our partner. I remember full well just how stupid I could become when I was with her. We have powerful chemicals that roll around our brains, neurons firing like crazy. Crazy like our emotions can be and powerful the way it can push aside logical rational thinking.

You also love your siblings and your children and parents and some people love possessions and non-live material items. I was going to say inanimate, but technology already changed that one. We’re supposed to love all these people right? Isn’t it an instinct? Then why do people beat their children, hate their siblings and wish to leave their wonderful loving family as soon as they can get some shoes on, maybe even before that.

In loving, we want good for someone. We want them to succeed and prosper. We want to provide a better future to them than we had ourselves. If you are jealous of the sibling that had a chance and took it and prospered, do you really love them? If you envy their possessions or life, that isn’t love to me.

We see love in the proud parent that never finished middle school now seeing their child graduate college. The joy and flow of emotions and tears can be overwhelming not just for them, but as well for those of us watching them. It’s palpable. It’s visceral. To the core we might be moved. What about the parent that is thinking how wonderful it is now that their child has finished college that they will be able to get a good job and have a good life so they can take care of the parents when they get older. That sounds selfish to me.

Love seems like a balancing act. One moment you want good for someone, the next you want to be the one going on the vacation that they are going on and cursing them for not taking you. They left you with a crappy life, a horrible spouse, rotten screaming kids and massive bills. If you are trying to fill a void within yourself, try at the basic level of filling it with love of yourself.

How about this idea. One that I’ve cultivated in myself and hope others agree with as well.

Love is an extension of our self.

That’s it.

Really. That’s it.

When I think about those that I choose to love I have what I think is a central theme.

We sacrifice our wants and needs for another.

The sacrifice? Could it be this simple?

The parent seeing their child finish something, sacrificed their self to further their child. Maybe it was not being home much to earn a living and feeling guilty you weren’t around often.

Seeing your parent overcome an obstacle they were facing because you sacrificed your time and energy to help them.

Staying up late or getting up early to make dinner and breakfast for the love your life because they have a job interview or presentation they are nervous about.

Who can say what is a small or large sacrifice.

One hour of sleep gone while you drive around searching for the craving of your pregnant wife.

Holding the hair of your girlfriend as she pukes her guts into the toilet so she doesn’t get it dirty.

Working a thankless low paying job to put your son through college so he can have a better life than one you are living.

Finding yourself in a place in life where you can’t take care of yourself and you put your child up for adoption. With all the pain of leaving them and the joy in the dream that they will have a better life.

Maybe it’s because valentines was just around the corner and equally so for my own personal situation but this is a life lesson and a life struggle that has been present and will continue to be a part of me. I continue to believe that I’m not a good person but I try and be a nice person.

“When I love myself I sacrifice for me. When I love others I give of myself.” -Nirav 2/18/13 18:30

-Santa’s Fallen Angel

 

VD, not that kind or maybe it is

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What would today be without some of my words of wisdom…

As usual, unless you are fully happy being single, this is a day to be bombarded by media and family and friends with the idea that you are still single and why haven’t you produced any grandchildren. As I had been with someone recently I was fully looking forward to it this year. I had a surprise peri-Valentine’s Day day scheduled at Ten Thousand Waves (a japanese spa) that thankfully I was able to cancel and not lose any money. It’s more awesome probably than any other time of the year for me to think I would finally have someone for Valentine’s Day. You almost remember that you aren’t alone. But alas that was not to be.

One could argue that I should use this time to be bitter for not only not having someone for Valentine’s Day but for the way that it ended. But I actually think there are things that I have to thank her for and must continue to keep in mind now. Simply reinforcements of things that I’ve known on what I need and what I want and truthfully what everyone should really have. The thing that shocked me most at the end was the (simple) lack of communication and possible lies. One moment two people talking about the future and then the without warning that future is shut down.

I think many people would agree that during a relationship if the two people have been talking about their concerns and problems and it still ends, at least they did talk about them and tried and hopefully won’t be caught off guard at a sudden ending even if it doesn’t feel pleasant. All too often these days people choose not to effective in how they communicate with each other. Communication is dealt with through (in decreasing order) face-to-face interactions, phone conversations, emails, texts or in some unfortunate cases simply ignoring that there is an issue and walking away from it. At least I got an email even if there was no true explanation and I am still left wondering what happened. I have gotten the ignoring treatment as a breakup method in the past. Immature and possibly very cowardly in my opinion for anything other than face-to-face.

We generally take this as an opportunity to figure out (ie beat ourselves up) what we did to cause the end. How we screwed it up. However one must also accept the fact and idea that we did nothing wrong and nothing that we did or didn’t do could have changed the outcome. Sometimes it really is the other person that isn’t ready and not yourself. You must constantly keep that in mind. Don’t let something like this break your self-confidence. Remember you are worth it. We question ourselves. We question why we’re even in relationships. We wonder if we’re good enough for them. We wonder if we’re just not better alone.

As I said in my quote the other day, it’s not always necessarily the person that I miss but instead those feelings inside. That sense of belonging with someone. That connection with somebody. Being lost in their eyes and when they look back at you, you feel like the two of you are in your own world. The electricity with each touch. It’s those feelings that keep us coming back time after time, punishment after punishment.

Pain is interesting. Emotional pain and physical pain share special characteristics and we tend to forget that. If you cut yourself or someone steps on your toe you feel that physical pain. We don’t say that someone is making you feel that pain. It is your own. So why do we treat emotional pain differently? I also would argue that someone else also doesn’t make you feel that pain either. While not linked to sensory nerve conduction, it still hurts like crap inside. A visceral pain inside the chest. You think your heart is going to burst from pain. You also own this pain as well. It is yours to feel and manage. You get to choose if you want to be hurt or not in this case. Remember that next time. You are in control. They don’t control you.

Sex can also become a variable in a relationship. While there could be an argument about it being too soon in a relationship one of the biggest concerns that I would have in any relationship is that while it is an important part of a relationship for some people it should not be the most important part. If sex is the linchpin in the relationship, as the only thing holding it together, that relationship will probably fall apart. Constantly there must be communication. There must be open dialogue. These people must understand about each first before anything else.

*anyone have a suggestion for a symbol of communication. thinking about a microphone or airwaves for now*

As much cynicism as there is about Valentine’s Day in its commercial value, it can also be used sorta of like Thanksgiving as a reminder day. To keep in mind those people in our lives be they spouses, girlfriends, boyfriends, parents, grandparents, children, whoever. There are always people to love in our lives. And we are loved by others, even when we forget about them. I could wish like many other holidays that people didn’t see the materialism behind this. The diamonds were not a part of this until the commercials arrived. The chocolates that melt and add calories, the flowers that wilt and die, the dinners that cost a tidy sum, the once a year sex or special sex and all the things that people expect again as a symbol of love when the symbol of love should simply be, Love.

Those three words said too often and often not enough can be quite powerful when said at the right moment. Telling somebody “I love you” has consequences. It should never be used as a weapon. It should never be used to buy you time. It should really be what it says, I. Love. You. No blog entry could be long enough to get into what love is. We each have our own version of what we think it might mean.

One thing that people should also keep in mind is not only should you be loving the other person but for your own sake try to remember and, especially if you’re single, take this opportunity and this day to love yourself. You should be number one in your life. What happens to you should matter. Your needs should be important. If you are starting to date someone making sure your needs are being addressed. That is also very important. While I find that I’m malleable in my likes and personality, if you are trying to change yourself fundamentally for the other person in a relationship I can’t imagine that it would actually last for the long-term. Your must have your needs addressed in the beginning otherwise how can you know the two of you will be good together. How can it last? Why not consider waiting till you been together long enough before you think about starting on compromising.

I close this with one quote.

“To thine own self be true.” – Polonius

-Santa’s Fallen Angel, waiting for Cupid’s arrow only if she gets the same one

 

temptation

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broken as i am i still withstood the crucible tonight.

but not unscathed.

the fire and heat of the crucible burned me yet again.

pain. seemingly unbearable pain washing over and through me.

rekindling the fire within me.

setting ablaze that which i had attempted to dampen down.

stoked and on fire again i leapt from the edge.

falling toward an abyss i wanted to be in.

one i had created for myself.

i longed to embrace the darkness.

but there is no hope there.

no salvation.

no peace.

thus i forced myself to land elsewhere and on two feet.

burning in pain but the burning was only inside.

no tears can wash this pain away.

i must face this crucible within.

attempt to make whole what was broken before.

not the same.

but something new and stronger than before.

-Santa’s Fallen Angel

failure IS an option

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“I have not failed 700 (10,000) times. I have not failed once. I have succeeded in proving that those 700 (10,000) ways will not work. When I have eliminated the ways that will not work, I will find the way that will work.” -Edison*

*Different sources at 700 or 10,000. I haven’t taken the time to really go through which one is (more) accurate*

Failure. Just hearing the word sounds so horrible. Whether it was an incident/task that was a failure or someone calling you a failure, it just hurts.

But is it really bad? The Edison quote is kinda motivational. It lends to a personal belief I’ve tried to cultivate and reinforces my happiness that I let my last regret (that I’m aware of) go. A failure IS a bad thing when you let it hold you back or beat you down. It is NOT a bad thing when you can learn from it and grow from that moment. Take what you can, whatever it is and apply it to the future. It’s that idea we’ve heard that we must learn from the past to keep from making the same mistakes in the future. There’s plenty of time and room for new ones.

I don’t hold any false notions that I won’t fail again. I could cite a lifetime of examples of making the same or similar mistakes over and over again. The number of women that I’ve dated that seemed so normal in the beginning… that would be for another article.

How boring would life be if everything were perfect and structured? Would we be so perfect and structured that we wouldn’t care? Not that I could envision how this would occur other than some kind of group mind. Even the Borg had their own problems it seemed. But in some ways like them, it’s the struggle, the journey to try and reach a state of having fewer repeat failures. I’m all fine for making a brand new smart failure. Then I don’t feel so bad.

-Santa’s Fallen Angel

 

shock and awe campaign

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this week has been such an incredible roller coaster ride. and i haven’t thrown up once.

the email break up monday and feeling lost in my own mind partially from the sense of betrayal from the lack of communication and the lack of closure.

the long hours at work trying to hold onto the idea of why i got into this.

wondering if happiness with someone else is out there or even matters anymore next to making sure i’m happy in my life.

Then remembering today the biggest and most important lesson i can think of at this time.

i am me.

i am tired of the games in relationships and in other aspects of life that people feel some sick and twisted need to play.

the chasing and all that bullshit. fuck that.

i will not be goaded again into feeling guilty. my soapbox still stands that we choose how to feel. you can not make me feel a certain way. and people have to start taking responsibility for their actions or i will let the consequences happen. if i offer to do something, i do not want but need and expect to be met at least half way. i will not carry the burden by myself. that’s a choice. that’s a reality. what was i thinking letting myself get walked over all this time. will it continue to be a character trait or as i see it now, a character flaw. i’m not talking about letting go of chivalry. just giving a damn about something more.

if the recommendation is to try and lose this nice guy person, congratulations. it’s working. this is not anger or bitterness. this is cold truth. i need to start meaning more to myself. i need to remember to be #1 in my own life and to be honest to myself about my life. why did i stop going to movies and restaurants by myself if there was no one around.

i feel more lost than ever but not emotionally from the breakup. this is straight up spiritual. who am i and what the hell do i want in life. i have been and always will me my harshest critic. it’s hard to feel beat up by someone when you can punish yourself this much. something that has served me well throughout my life. i think that’s why i love and crave feedback. i want to learn and grow. i want to better understand myself. perhaps that’s why i value honesty so much and become so upset and angry when others don’t. there is too much cowardice in people these days.

*yes claire, it’s time to put on the communication pin*

perhaps it’s time to starting attacking life more forcefully. stop being so passive and fight for myself. at home, at work, in relationships and just about any and every other part of life.

this sense of, i think, justice is feeling very cathartic. in my life i try and hold no regrets except for one that i chose to hold onto as a ‘learning moment’ to help guide future actions.  it was a moment of indecision brought on by my fear of what others thought and i potentially missed a pivotal moment in life to obtain something wonderful. my carpe diem moment that has haunted me. i think i just let it go to. after all these years, the act of letting that point in time go and stop using it as an anchor to the past feels freeing to me. i think i can take that next step forward.

the future is ahead. there is no stopping it. but instead of riding it passively like a wave, it’s time to try and forge ahead, pushing the boundaries, making myself uncomfortable at times while i try and discover who i need to become in this phase of my self-growth.

i’m on a campaign to take back control of my life and i ain’t taking no prisoners.

-step aside peter. Santa’s Fallen Angel is storming the gates of christmastown –