The pain seems unbearable at times. My mind shifting without my consent onto things I want to leave behind. Focus already difficult almost impossible now as I struggle to gather my thoughts into coherence. My selfishness rears its ugly head again as I want what I am being denied, solace and peace.
a blog purpose update
i was asked why i haven’t said anything about the title of the blog. ok. now i have. it’s in the about section but i’m including in a post as well.
“i like to write when i can. i find it therapeutic. this blog started as a replacement journal for all the paper ones that i’ve lost or the electronic ones that just didn’t seem to work. as people have told me that they enjoy my writings i’ve tried to start writing more. so now not only is this blog for me to express myself but now this would be for everyone else to see what i’m up to and what’s going on in my slice of life.
as for the name. even i am not completely sure where it initially came from, but from what i remember the name is a mélange of thoughts. the santa that we know today is probably some fictional guy. i say probably just in case he’s real. i’d like to stay off the naughty list if i can. he might just smite me down with a shower of pointy candy canes. why not god smiting me down? just think about your last christmas. i’d wager that most people were thinking about what they were going to get or not going to get instead of remembering it’s christ-mas. you know that jesus fellow. not that one, the one that is supposed to be god’s son and died and all that stuff. i saw a great bumper sticker that said, “I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.” – Mahatma Gandhi
yes i’m picking on one particular group. deal.
we, the people, place much stock in things that aren’t real. we like to avoid reality at almost any cost. look at the number of reality shows. i have enough reality in my own life thank you very much. we also like to ignore what is going on around us and hide our heads in the sand hoping that problems will fix themselves and just go away. as stupid as this may sound, when i start thinking about how ‘difficult’ my life is, i try to remember that i can walk down the street without (much) worry that there will be a falling building from a rocket launcher attack or that someone might blow themselves up or that i won’t have a place to sleep at night or that i won’t have anything to eat. kinda puts things in perspective. america may suck in a lot of ways and i have ranted many times to friends but we also have a lot of really nice things too. ain’t no one perfect.
the fallen angel is another interesting idea. cast out of heaven for disobedience. disobedience from supposed free will. it’s a catch. if they have free will then they exercised it and were thrown out. basically you can think what you want but if you don’t do what you’re told you can just go to hell, literally. if they don’t have free will then god made angels whose purpose was to rebel and set up this whole game in motion. having attempted a walk down the path of christ, i picked up some things i found intriguing. heaven is not necessarily a resort to hook up again with friends and family. your job is to worship god and maybe learning. but for a moment i had another thought. what if… this heaven and hell stuff is flipped. who’s to say that the bad guy didn’t pull some fast ones and convinced people he was the good guy and to write his book. he’s supposed to be a deceiver in his own book right? what better way then to hide the truth that way and he gets the worshipers. maybe the fallen angel is a good guy that just bucked the bad system and is trying to actually help. well, we won’t know until the end if there is any answer at all. as well if it’s really free will, then let it be free, no strings attached, no bullying.
therefore, it’s “Santa’s Fallen Angel” a combination of trying to accept and live in reality as well as remembering to question doctrine.
i thank each and everyone that takes time to read what i’ve written. may you smile and laugh and feel renewed.”
the reality of life
life has its ups and downs. without explanation i write today. and for posterity i put these words down so that i may reflect at a later time and find truth when this pain isn’t inside or as bad. if you are in your own pain now may these words touch you and bring light into your darkness.
“It feels like there is no more air to breathe and I will never take another breath. Pain too deep even tears are not enough. That is what it is like for me most times. But I know this for truth and that in time I will heal and I will move on. That is the only way to breathe again.”
-Nirav 11:22 2/5/13
“It doesn’t mat…
“It doesn’t matter if the glass is half empty or half full. Fucking just drink it or refill it and the problem is solved.”
-Nirav, 2/4/13
on being me the physician
Every so often and for reasons I don’t fully understand, I reminded that I’m a physician. I won’t get into a discussion on saying physician versus doctor as it can get heated and that’s not the point of this. I’ve been in some aspect of healthcare since 1997 and an MD since 2004, but most of the time it isn’t necessarily something I think about. I am a physician. It is what I do. It is part of what I am. As there are the jokes about people and their pets looking like one another, perhaps what we do helps to change us, that it is no long a job but part of our personality. Or maybe it was our personality to begin with that led us to our job. Chickens vs eggs throughout our lives.
I go to work. I teach when I can because that’s also part of who I am. And I go home to be on call. At work I am reminded of my title when people say “Dr. Chaudhari” or “Doctor” but maybe because it is at work that I’m not thinking about it so much. The other day I was picking up a prescription and while I was waiting I was absorbed in a book. The pharmacist only called out “Doctor” but I immediately came alert and turned toward him. My title must have been on the prescription or maybe it was in the system. I usually try to hide who I am in public. When initially asked many times I do respond with the title “Teacher”. And I mean it. Doctor in latin means “to teach”. As a pediatrician I considered the number one aspect of my role was to teach. Specifically I mostly do that teaching to the parents, not the patient.
Of course there is nothing to be embarrassed of which leads to the title switch. The problem is that usually once someone knows my title, their perception changes, whether it is on haggling for a purchase or even in a conversation. Once my title is known what I am comes to replace who I am. I am not what I do. But what I do is mostly definitely part of who I am.
Titles can help and hurt. At work it is needed to get the work done. That’s a given. You could be cuckolded at home yet be a CEO of a large corporation. The title of that job sure isn’t helping at home and maybe it’s the title and what comes with it that is causing the marital problem to begin with.
I am a hypocrite though. I can’t honesty say that I’ve never used my title outside of work and for my own benefit. I’ve used it for other people’s benefit and I’m usually ok with that if it was warranted but for myself I do feel guiltier. I have used it calling an insurance company to fight a charge or get it paid faster so the place I went to doesn’t send me a bill. I’ve used it with another insurance company to get them to pay for something they supposedly said they would pay for (it eventually worked once I got a hold of someone who knew what they were talking about.). I’ve used it when I was out and as usual, not dressed like a physician and I was being talked down to. I’ve been told by others that at times I may not use my title but I slip into “Doctor mode” when my attitude changes from usual passive to commanding and authoritative. Yeah, that idea shocks me too. I’d almost like someone to record it just so I can what it looks and sounds like.
I could go on and on with my personal thoughts on where medicine was, is and seems to be headed but I’m not.
Stick a fork in me, I’m done.
-Santa’s Fallen Angel
“Because I Can”
There are two phrases or ideas that I use quite frequently. One very satirically to those that know me well enough but that could also be taken as very condescending to those that don’t know me well. The first phrase is “I’m a doctor” or “I’m a trained medical professional.”
Generally this is used to self-deprecate in a situation where I may have said something witty or smart or even both. Truth be told I don’t consider myself witty or smart. What I do is part of who I am and I know a whole lot of people much smarter than me. When I’m asked what I would do in life if I wasn’t a pediatrician, I could come up with other things I’d like to try but really, I think I’m actually good at what I do and I enjoy it.
Yeah, I wish medicine was equal to the idea of what most of us thought we were signing up for. You know, time to spend with patients, being able to educate as much as needed, great follow-up, and a medical home. Not the 10-15 minute visit with little time to educate as needed and a follow-up that is with someone in a group of a practice that might not even be the one they normally go to. Stupid soapbox, time to step off.
Anyway. This phrase must come naturally and quickly in order to be effective at its intended goal of generating humor. If said in a condescending manner then it and I failed. An example could be something as simple as someone asking a medical or non-medical question to which I could actually generate a true answer or hypothesis. If there is a double take or follow-up statement of “How’d you know that?” and if I’m quick enough I can then quickly retort, “I’m a doctor.” The other medical retort, “I’m a trained medical professional,” I’ve only started using recently and while it can be used synonymously I’m trying to ascertain if it should be or have its own time and place. Time will tell.
The second phrase is “Because I Can.” Now one may think this is a quite simple phrase/idea but I find that it is very deep and soul stretching. This is used in many more types of situations. Why donate money? Why give food out to someone homeless? Why help someone load their items into their truck? Why spend time doing whatever? Why give to my friends? “Because I Can.” You see how this works? This also applies to why a certain trip is taken or skydiving or scuba diving or anything else of that nature as well.
I see this abstractly as a symbol of power. And as such, not sarcastically, it can be used for good or evil. I think and hope that I only use it for good such as the examples above. Now there is that flip side. Why not steal that item? Why not lie this time? Why not just enjoy myself be damned the consequences to others? You can also answer these with “Because I Can.” And therein lies the moral heart of the phrase.
I stop here not because I can’t write anything else but because writing more may just rob one’s own thinking of the depth of this.
-Santa’s Fallen Angel
self worth
as a hypothetical situation i was pondering (fancy for i caught myself woolgathering)…
for those of you with a child or someone you care about, how much are they worth to you? yes really. think about it. i’m not asking about a specific material object or monetary quantity. i would think most people couldn’t answer that question. many people would answer that they would do anything and everything they could for that person, possibly including their own life. that’s a pretty big sum all by itself wouldn’t you say? you want to be there for this person. you try to provide for them. you want to be there through good and bad. what would it be like if they weren’t there anymore? something beyond your control took them away or decreased your connection. this could be getting married, moving away, a fight, and yes even death. a hole now in your life and in your heart. an emptiness you may never recover from again even with all the possible substitutes you will try to fill it with.
now let’s switch gears to the pondering, yeah, that stuff i wrote wasn’t it…
at the same time we want to protect them, have you thought about how much you are worth to yourself? yes, yourself. is the sacrifice you are making a good sacrifice? is it worthy of them? you probably would agree that you want to be there if they get married, get sick, and make accomplishments to give you a smile.
what are you doing to make sure you will be there? how is your health? are you taking care of yourself? eat a lot of bad food? how much time are you spending with them? are you a smoker? heavy drinker? are these things worth it if they take you away from them? they won’t have you around to see them get married. you won’t be there to make them soup and rub vicks on their chest. you won’t be there to smile when they do something that would have made you proud.
while not a big believer is new year’s resolutions as we should just live right to begin with, maybe this is one i could get behind. we have parents or siblings or children and if you don’t have them, you probably aren’t a hermit if you are reading this so you probably have at least one friend, that person that might actually give a damn that you aren’t around anymore. i already determined this is the Year of Me. i need to prove to me that i’m worth it. improving me will help me to be there for my mother, for my nieces and nephews and if it happens, i’ll be around for my family. there might even be that side effect of having a better quality of life, less injuries and pains and overall improved happiness.
if you haven’t thought of your worth before, i hope you are thinking of it now.
-Santa’s Fallen Angel
introspection
Just got back from Sandia after a snowboarding lesson. The last lesson I think was about two years ago. As I realized I was a closet masochist to keep getting up again and again, I had a flashback memory when I had heard someone mention they thought they “broke their ass.” Coccyx sure but not that often. Not being slim these days and relying too much on my backside padding I hoped I would be ok. I confess that I had a moment after countless falls where I was hurting so bad I had my own thought, “my ass is broken.” Startled by the thought and the pain I chose to lay there for a short time contemplating on what I had done to myself and why I was continuing on. Thankfully the two high schoolers in the group seemed to be in similar conditions and I was able to push through and past and rise again. I’ve got my PADI, I’ve been free fall skydiving twice (not tandem), and I have a motorcycle. Am I not badass enough yet?! (Disregarding the one I have now broken.) The simple answer is No. I made it through most of the class until both of my legs started cramping, my hands were cramping, I was feeling shin splints, my asthma was acting up, and I continued to feel little and big muscles cramping around the body that I hadn’t remembered since anatomy. As my newly discovered masochistic personality exerted itself one more time I realized that I actually had fun and I will probably be happy that I have two more lessons coming up once the pain isn’t so bad. Thankfully I will be having good food tonight and alcohol, medicinal of course as an internal anesthetic, and will try my best to ignore the pain that is currently wracking my body trying to contort me into some shape only known to Escher. And for anyone that has a large enough shower, I fully and whole heartily advocate for a teak stool to be able to sit on and relax on while being under the spray. A poor man’s sauna but still quite effective.
-Santa’s Fallen Angel
Saved by the bell?
Climbing went well tonight. Just enough that my arms and legs were tired and my feet started cramping. As usual I was hungry afterward and dreaded eating. It’s not the actual eating part. It’s the making and cleaning part. Well. Maybe just the cleaning part. So I decided to head to Panda Express as a treat and to watch a movie when I got home. I reached the store about 5-10 minutes before they were supposed to close. To my shock the food was already taken up and they weren’t serving anymore. At first I was upset because now I have to actually make something unless I was going to go for some other fast food that I would like to avoid. But in retrospect it was a good thing. I didn’t really need it even though it can taste very yummy. Mmmm orange chicken. I was told I make a good stir fry and I had actually bought the vegetables earlier already so I might as well use them for dinner. Overall I guess it was a win. I made something healthier and didn’t spend money on something I really didn’t need even though I wanted it. Perhaps it’s time I kick into higher gear the cleaning of my house and start cooking for people again. I miss the experimenting on recipes to see how it will turn out as a different flavor combination. As long as the food comes out ok, I think people will be happy to try what my hands churn out of some indian foods I’ve been wanting to work on. Well, ’tis the season to be jolly. I’ll try and keep that in mind next time I’m tired and don’t want to cook.
-Santa’s Fallen Angel
Getting this off my chest
This is dedicated to each and every one of us that has those days where you interact with someone or some people that test your level of patience and where Mother Teresa might have even give you a one-time free pass to lose it.
Recently I had one of those days where many people seemed to know just what buttons to push and then keep at it. Over and over and over again. Almost no time in between to get a chance to count to 10, or 100. No time to sit in a corner and take deep calming breaths to clear yourself. The constant barrage seemingly with the pinpoint precision of a laser guided weapon. You are on the precipice when you almost raise your voice. When you almost just start yelling or crying just for the silence that will occur after the outburst.
And then you remember that you’ve been through this before. It will (probably) pass before you can’t take it anymore. You finally find that sliver in time where you can close your eyes and breathe. You can feel you head pounding less. Your heartbeat once loud in your ears starting to slow down. The rush of adrenaline calming its forces and the slow slow ebb of tension as you relax back into the now.
Even after, some of it might linger. A few moments. Days. Weeks. An ember waiting for the right fuel to send you back into a near out of control inferno of passion.
For anyone in this place I leave to you this mental gift that you may claim whenever you need it. For you I scream the internal cry by yelling “Ahhhh!!!!!!…” for when you can’t and for when you need it most.
-Santa’s Fallen Angel
p.s. Namaste