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“Because I Can”

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There are two phrases or ideas that I use quite frequently. One very satirically to those that know me well enough but that could also be taken as very condescending to those that don’t know me well. The first phrase is “I’m a doctor” or “I’m a trained medical professional.”

Generally this is used to self-deprecate in a situation where I may have said something witty or smart or even both. Truth be told I don’t consider myself witty or smart. What I do is part of who I am and I know a whole lot of people much smarter than me. When I’m asked what I would do in life if I wasn’t a pediatrician, I could come up with other things I’d like to try but really, I think I’m actually good at what I do and I enjoy it.

Yeah, I wish medicine was equal to the idea of what most of us thought we were signing up for. You know, time to spend with patients, being able to educate as much as needed, great follow-up, and a medical home. Not the 10-15 minute visit with little time to educate as needed and a follow-up that is with someone in a group of a practice that might not even be the one they normally go to. Stupid soapbox, time to step off.

Anyway. This phrase must come naturally and quickly in order to be effective at its intended goal of generating humor. If said in a condescending manner then it and I failed. An example could be something as simple as someone asking a medical or non-medical question to which I could actually generate a true answer or hypothesis. If there is a double take or follow-up statement of “How’d you know that?” and if I’m quick enough I can then quickly retort, “I’m a doctor.” The other medical retort, “I’m a trained medical professional,” I’ve only started using recently and while it can be used synonymously I’m trying to ascertain if it should be or have its own time and place. Time will tell.

The second phrase is “Because I Can.” Now one may think this is a quite simple phrase/idea but I find that it is very deep and soul stretching. This is used in many more types of situations. Why donate money? Why give food out to someone homeless? Why help someone load their items into their truck? Why spend time doing whatever? Why give to my friends? “Because I Can.” You see how this works? This also applies to why a certain trip is taken or skydiving or scuba diving or anything else of that nature as well.

I see this abstractly as a symbol of power. And as such, not sarcastically, it can be used for good or evil. I think and hope that I only use it for good such as the examples above. Now there is that flip side. Why not steal that item? Why not lie this time? Why not just enjoy myself be damned the consequences to others? You can also answer these with “Because I Can.” And therein lies the moral heart of the phrase.

I stop here not because I can’t write anything else but because writing more may just rob one’s own thinking of the depth of this.

-Santa’s Fallen Angel

 

self worth

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as a hypothetical situation i was pondering (fancy for i caught myself woolgathering)…

for those of you with a child or someone you care about, how much are they worth to you? yes really. think about it. i’m not asking about a specific material object or monetary quantity. i would think most people couldn’t answer that question. many people would answer that they would do anything and everything they could for that person, possibly including their own life. that’s a pretty big sum all by itself wouldn’t you say? you want to be there for this person. you try to provide for them. you want to be there through good and bad. what would it be like if they weren’t there anymore? something beyond your control took them away or decreased your connection. this could be getting married, moving away, a fight, and yes even death. a hole now in your life and in your heart. an emptiness you may never recover from again even with all the possible substitutes you will try to fill it with.

now let’s switch gears to the pondering, yeah, that stuff i wrote wasn’t it…

at the same time we want to protect them, have you thought about how much you are worth to yourself? yes, yourself. is the sacrifice you are making a good sacrifice? is it worthy of them? you probably would agree that you want to be there if they get married, get sick, and make accomplishments to give you a smile.

what are you doing to make sure you will be there? how is your health? are you taking care of yourself? eat a lot of bad food? how much time are you spending with them? are you a smoker? heavy drinker? are these things worth it if they take you away from them? they won’t have you around to see them get married. you won’t be there to make them soup and rub vicks on their chest. you won’t be there to smile when they do something that would have made you proud.

while not a big believer is new year’s resolutions as we should just live right to begin with, maybe this is one i could get behind. we have parents or siblings or children and if you don’t have them, you probably aren’t a hermit if you are reading this so you probably have at least one friend, that person that might actually give a damn that you aren’t around anymore. i already determined this is the Year of Me. i need to prove to me that i’m worth it. improving me will help me to be there for my mother, for my nieces and nephews and if it happens, i’ll be around for my family. there might even be that side effect of having a better quality of life, less injuries and pains and overall improved happiness.

if you haven’t thought of your worth before, i hope you are thinking of it now.

-Santa’s Fallen Angel

introspection

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Just got back from Sandia after a snowboarding lesson. The last lesson I think was about two years ago. As I realized I was a closet masochist to keep getting up again and again, I had a flashback memory when I had heard someone mention they thought they “broke their ass.” Coccyx sure but not that often. Not being slim these days and relying too much on my backside padding I hoped I would be ok. I confess that I had a moment after countless falls where I was hurting so bad I had my own thought, “my ass is broken.” Startled by the thought and the pain I chose to lay there for a short time contemplating on  what I had done to myself and why I was continuing on. Thankfully the two high schoolers in the group seemed to be in similar conditions and I was able to push through and past and rise again. I’ve got my PADI, I’ve been free fall skydiving twice (not tandem), and I have a motorcycle. Am I not badass enough yet?! (Disregarding the one I have now broken.) The simple answer is No. I made it through most of the class until both of my legs started cramping, my hands were cramping, I was feeling shin splints, my asthma was acting up, and I continued to feel little and big muscles cramping around the body that I hadn’t remembered since anatomy. As my newly discovered masochistic personality exerted itself one more time I realized that I actually had fun and I will probably be happy that I have two more lessons coming up once the pain isn’t so bad. Thankfully I will be having good food tonight and alcohol, medicinal of course as an internal anesthetic, and will try my best to ignore the pain that is currently wracking my body trying to contort me into some shape only known to Escher. And for anyone that has a large enough shower, I fully and whole heartily advocate for a teak stool to be able to sit on and relax on while being under the spray. A poor man’s sauna but still quite effective.

-Santa’s Fallen Angel

Saved by the bell?

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Climbing went well tonight. Just enough that my arms and legs were tired and my feet started cramping. As usual I was hungry afterward and dreaded eating. It’s not the actual eating part. It’s the making and cleaning part. Well. Maybe just the cleaning part. So I decided to head to Panda Express as a treat and to watch a movie when I got home. I reached the store about 5-10 minutes before they were supposed to close. To my shock the food was already taken up and they weren’t serving anymore. At first I was upset because now I have to actually make something unless I was going to go for some other fast food that I would like to avoid. But in retrospect it was a good thing. I didn’t really need it even though it can taste very yummy. Mmmm orange chicken. I was told I make a good stir fry and I had actually bought the vegetables earlier already so I might as well use them for dinner. Overall I guess it was a win. I made something healthier and didn’t spend money on something I really didn’t need even though I wanted it. Perhaps it’s time I kick into higher gear the cleaning of my house and start cooking for people again. I miss the experimenting on recipes to see how it will turn out as a different flavor combination. As long as the food comes out ok, I think people will be happy to try what my hands churn out of some indian foods I’ve been wanting to work on. Well, ’tis the season to be jolly. I’ll try and keep that in mind next time I’m tired and don’t want to cook.

-Santa’s Fallen Angel

Getting this off my chest

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This is dedicated to each and every one of us that has those days where you interact with someone or some people that test your level of patience and where Mother Teresa might have even give you a one-time free pass to lose it.

Recently I had one of those days where many people seemed to know just what buttons to push and then keep at it. Over and over and over again. Almost no time in between to get a chance to count to 10, or 100. No time to sit in a corner and take deep calming breaths to clear yourself. The constant barrage seemingly with the pinpoint precision of a laser guided weapon. You are on the precipice when you almost raise your voice. When you almost just start yelling or crying just for the silence that will occur after the outburst.

And then you remember that you’ve been through this before. It will (probably) pass before you can’t take it anymore. You finally find that sliver in time where you can close your eyes and breathe. You can feel you head pounding less. Your heartbeat once loud in your ears starting to slow down. The rush of adrenaline calming its forces and the slow slow ebb of tension as you relax back into the now.

Even after, some of it might linger. A few moments. Days. Weeks. An ember waiting for the right fuel to send you back into a near out of control inferno of passion.

For anyone in this place I leave to you this mental gift that you may claim whenever you need it. For you I scream the internal cry by yelling “Ahhhh!!!!!!…” for when you can’t and for when you need it most.

-Santa’s Fallen Angel

p.s. Namaste

a joyful thing now come to light

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Many people at work know of my missing medical bag. Where it went, who knows. It was in a bright orange ditty sack that I would bring to work and sometimes leave at work but usually take home. Wherever it is, I hope whoever is using it gets good use out of the belongings inside. As I’ve been having alternating anger and deep thoughts of stupidity on where the bag went, I was realizing that of the many items in the bag, there was one in particular (that is now replaced) that I missed the most. You’re probably wondering what it was. It wasn’t the adult or infant stethoscopes although I want to replace my current pediatric one with another infant one and I have another adult one. It wasn’t the ipod either although the loss of my music at work makes me sadder. Other things that were in that bag: work id, two of those small apple wall usb chargers :(, leatherman, watch, led flashlight, fold out ACLS/PALS cards, lithium-ion otoscope and ophthalmoscopes, (how much stuff was in there?), the sack itself as it was relatively brand new. I’m sure I’m missing other things but to get to the point…

The most missed item… my pen. I used a Dr. Grip Gel ink pen with ultra fine ink. That’s 0.38mm baby! Very smooth. Very clear.. as clear as my writing is at least. I tried using regular ball point pens but blah! First they seem to run out of ink quickly. The thin barrel is difficult to hold. They seem to scratch the paper instead of smoothly gliding over the page. Do you sense my love here? As a backup I have a Dr. Grip center of gravity with some refills that I’m moving over to for the time being while I reevaluate my pen love. I’m considering going back to my fountain pens, both of which I also very much adore writing with. I’m reserving my backup ultra fine pen to my moleskin journal. It needs it more than my work does.

p.s. (although not after all the writing) I will be slowly repurchasing many of the lost items and hope to not have it happen a second time. some of the items have already been repurchased with others to come. littmann even makes a rainbow-colored bell now. crazy!!

Well, more random thoughts to pass some time away with while I contemplate writing more about the upcoming holidays.

Santa’s Fallen Angel

Meh

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Tried two food chains this month based on recommendations. I’ve only been once so far to each place and as a general rule, unless the food was vomit inspiring, I’ll give a place a second chance.

The first was a Chick-fil-A in Austin. Got a basic spicy chicken breast. It was ok. Nothing special and not something I would recommend. We’ll see how round two goes.

The second was Firehouse Subs. The last time I went was years ago and I honestly couldn’t remember if I liked it or not so I had to do a first time/repeat. That time for a repeat was tonight. I got a steak and cheese. The first few bites were good but the more I got into the sub the less I enjoyed it. This was a 12″ sub. Maybe I should have stuck with the basic 8″. The place reminded me of Yeller Sub but not as good.

This is probably why I’ve been staying away from chains and trying to eat healthier. At least I didn’t add any extra weight during thanksgiving. Now the gauntlet of the winter holidays is coming up.

Santa’s Fallen Angel

Thanksgiving: The Final Frontier

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I’ve said this before and I will continue to say that this really does feel like the last real holiday left (Ok, maybe July 4th as well) where the commercial drama is less of an issue. I’m not including Brown Thursday, Black Friday or Cyber Monday in all of this. This is that time of year where people actually get together and spend time with each other. Yes, there may be lots of eating, drinking and watching football but overall it’s still family time. Something people don’t have to look forward to that doesn’t involve some expectation that they might need to produce some kind of gift that is ‘deserved’ and not earned. Oh well. Time to stop writing and get back to family time.

Riding

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I’m not talking about riding my bicycle although that is usually the first thing people assume. I’m talking about my motorcycle. I’ve only been away from it for a few days and I am feeling the loss of its presence and feel more strongly the hunger to get back on. It’s one of those things where you might have a hard time understanding what it’s like to ride until you ride.

I’ve read and heard about the connection riders can feel to the world and the environment and now I understand it first hand. In the car I feel like I’m in an enclosed space or disconnected from the world. A feeling I didn’t know until I started riding by the way. The car becomes an extension of my enclosed and disconnected house. But on the motorcycle…

When I’m on and riding down the street I see and feel the world around me. The motorcycle now becomes and extension of me and grounds me into the world. I see and smell it, not always for good with a car or truck with pushing out a bunch of crap from the exhaust.

Sitting here writing I feel the longing to be on the open road and just ride. Wind around me and the beauty of the world around me even if that beauty is only the local park. As I become a more experienced rider and take longer trips I’m excited to see where my new connector and I end up in the country. Planned and unplanned road trips await.

Life the Adventure

-Santa’s Fallen Angel