Day 4
0703am
Spent time after dinner putting pictures on the mini to look at. So many bad ones. Took the bus to dinner but we could have walked and some of us did so coming back. I also tried smoking a cigar on the way back. It went out before I finished. I don’t know much about smoking it seems. I also wasn’t coughing for long. The weather is great in the evening. Continue reading
Day 3
0837am
Beautiful morning. Of course lots of pictures. The breakfast was international buffet style. Wanted an omelet but it was runny even after asking to cook it longer. The weather is beautiful this morning. We are heading to the gardens. There is some kind of conference going on there.
Good morning Cienfuegos!
No matter where one goes, a good sunrise is a good sunrise.
Prenotes: The majority of my written journal from the Cuba trip was typed word for word. There were some additions based on a few photos that were taken as pictures and prompts when there wasn’t time to write. I will be continuing to work on these entries and cleaning up the posts, predominantly in format and structure. The content is not expected to change… much. I hope anyone that was on this trip will feel free to comment and include their own information/thoughts.
There were way too many pictures taken, as always. These can be found at: www.flickr.com/santasfallenangel/sets and in the Cuba folder.
As I was finishing my work on this trip and dividing it into entries, I finally got the news about of the opening of relations between the US and Cuba. History has a way of following us into the future.
As an adult I thought I was spared for the most part on having to deal with or even remember what it was like growing up and trying to stay true to oneself. I don’t think anyone can truly escape all pressures of youth and society growing up. Thankfully I don’t think I strayed too far from my core at any point in life. Maybe I was just too dense and single minded to care about the opinions of others. Since I can remember, life has been about moving forward and not looking back. I’ve wanted and tried to skip every graduation I’ve had. I already graduated, why waste the time to run through a ceremony and a piece of paper saying the proof will be coming in the mail? I’ve been comfortable being me at any stage, be it my current extroverted nature or my previous closet introverted state.
Until my first year in college I think of myself as having been a closet introvert. That closet door didn’t just open. It was irrevocably blasted into oblivion within the first month of being a freshman. My hallmates were crazy in just about every good way possible for me. They forced me to reevaluate every aspect of my personal life from how I viewed myself and the universe to how I externally interacted with the world. They took a whipcord runner of 125 lbs (yes I really weighed that little) and under their protective and nurturing wings dragged my ass to the gym to teach and show me about weight lifting. After weight lifting and continuing my running I graduated at 160 lbs. Not a bad bit of work. The people who know me now wouldn’t be able to recognize the person that existed back then, personalitywise that is. The weight is… um… on its way back down.
Recently I came across an older smartphone that I had been plugged in a less used area. I thought I would reminisce over text messages and get a smile. I’m writing this instead.
I was brought back to a present moment realizing that I’m still really dense at times to social situations and nuances. It’s not always easy. I started writing this a few months ago and I’ve written on many things and random things but this one felt more exposing of my inner self and it was left in draft form. I was reading something from Seinfeld recently and it moved me to continue writing this. While I may not be at the same place he is, I can identify strongly with him. You can see what he’s like on the outside in public situations but it’s the struggle inside that resonates with my soul. Here’s what he said:
http://www.nbcnews.com/nightly-news/jerry-seinfeld-brian-williams-i-think-im-spectrum-n242941
“I think on a very drawn-out scale, I think I’m on the spectrum,” said Seinfeld. “Basic social engagement is really a struggle. I’m very literal, when people talk to me and they use expressions, sometimes I don’t know what they’re saying. But I don’t see it as– as dysfunctional. I just think of it as an alternate mindset.”
What struck me when I was going through my texts had to do with some previous relationships. I am honest with myself that I have known about issues I have in relationships even if I don’t understand them and can approach them in a way that is beneficial for the other person. Basically I don’t think they could handle the type of person that I am and while in the past I have struggled to ‘fix’ myself in the hopes of making and keeping better connections (and girlfriends), being me is enough of a challenge that I’ll just stay who I am and hope for the best, being someone that gets me and can put up with me.
One of the relationships was definitely different than I’ve ever experienced. It was someone with I, and others, thought I was romantically connected with. Taking a spanish class together, dancing, dinner, etc. I did make a common choice (mistake?) of mine. I give without more thought into how it will be taken. I had a habit of buying practical gifts for the people close to me in life. That year I think it was 4 gauge long and heavy jumper cables. Hot and sexy and I know. But the health and well being of the people I choose to call friends is important. I should have realized something wasn’t going well when I presented her with jumper cables and after explaining why, she said that none of her close friends would ever do something like that. The knee jerk first thought was that something was wrong with me. Upon later reflection I felt pity that none of her close friends would ever do something like that. She seemed distressed that I was doing this. It’s this type of reaction from people that I don’t understand. Close friends of mine know me well enough now not to blink or pause when I do something like that. I’ve come to see that as a general idea, I’m not ‘normal’, which I’m totally fine with and couldn’t really be normal anyway. How I think and the way I act is the basis of who I am. I’m fine with that person.
I feel like I’m spinning out from stream of consciousness to babbling. It’s taken a while to come back to who I was and recognize myself. I’m glad to be who I am even at the cost of some possible friendships or relationships with people that don’t, won’t, or can’t ‘get me’ with all my quirks and weirdness. By no means will I shy away from trying to make connections with others, that’s just ingrained into me to be a connector, but I hope it won’t hurt so much when those people choose to not want to be a part of my life even for a short time.
I am SFA, hear me roar.
-SFA
Argh! Screwed over twice by dell now. First with my XPS 630i being crippled but dell not fessing up until it was too late and now screwed again on my X51 R2. Was told when I bought it and read in the manual (still in the manual by the way) that you can setup a RAID 0 (two hard drives acting as one for increase in speed) but now being told I can’t do it and it’s too late to return since it’s been four months. On support person #4 from software this time I was told that the hardware can handle it but Dell crippled the BIOS. Dell I hope you fix it in the next BIOS release. Fornow Dell has now lost my business and I don’t/won’t recommend then to anyone else again. I miss Compaq. I had great customer service with them. Hopefully I won’t have to upgrade anything for years to come. #dell
What are you capable of?
Humans are judgmental. We are prejudiced. How much and which areas may be the differences. These aren’t bad things necessarily. It’s how I function in linear time and with threat reduction. I imagine even the most enlightened person has preconceived notions about others. One who is not myself is… not me. A different set of experiences. A different life. A different upbringing. That’s one thing that makes me unique. It’s hard to look at anyone and know what they are thinking. What they will do. What their motivations are. That led to to my rule of “Anyone is capable of doing anything.” It helps to curb the surprise when someone does something I didn’t see coming.
When I judge I see that I do it in one way and/or a second way. In the first way, I compare a situation externally to how others may act/behave. Basically what would society do/expect. The other way therefore is the internal way in which I compare myself to a situation. To follow the rule of sorts, how capable is a person compared to what someone else in society could do versus what I myself am capable of. To a small degree I have identified a third way of comparing someone to themselves. For instance (and just the first thing to come to mind) when Bolt sprints I can compare him to other sprints he made in the past (third way). I can compare him to how others are sprinting (first way). He can compare himself on how he sprinted, while even a slower time might still be a 100% effort (second way). We all have off days. I even try to externalize the second way in that exact fashion and make excuses/reasons for them. People were talking about Djokovick and his playing ability after getting married. There was an article about how other players in the past have handled the burden of marriage, some playing better, some worse. In a second way, only he can truly say what is going through his mind. We use scores and tests to measure in the first way. Laws and judgements can be a first way method, how is one acting when compared to society and do we generally consider it appropriate and acceptable.
Other than sports, in everyday life, work and activities, I go through the same motions. I look at others and judge them on how I would or would not do something. When I do something I can judge how others are doing and in myself with what I’m capable of. That is one of the most important pieces. I wish I had written down when I read this idea but “know your limitations but don’t be limited by them.” Simple and profound and while not my original idea, is a rule for my life. I can only do 1-2 clean overhand pullups. Seriously, that’s it. I can compare my ability to how many others can do (a lot more usually) and how may I could do.Time and effort are my limitations. I could do 3 then 4 and so on.
Only through true introspection can I gauge what I am capable of and just how far I can push it. A group of kids are hiking and come across a cave. A bear emerges and starts coming toward them. One of the kids stops, leans down and starts to tie her shoes. Another kid yells and asks what she’s doing. She says, “I don’t have to outrun the bear, I just have to outrun someone else.”
-SFA
Random thought while watching some anime…
Even though I find the idea distasteful to tip I get it that they (profession that gets a tip) probably aren’t being paid well to begin with and they need this extra amount to make ends meet.
The question in my mind though is this percentage amount that gets used. Continue reading
I’m delusional or have been I think. For the first time ever, yesterday I glimpsed a possible future where a terminator/dune thinking machine scenario actually happens. It was a leap of ideas but it happened none the less. It starts with the phone.
Once again someone gave me the impression that my cell phone is their tool to have access to me. No! My phone is my tool to call others or take calls at my convenience. That’s what voicemail is for. Continue reading
I had the opportunity recently to come across a bunch of pennies tossed onto the ground in a parking lot.
I work. I make money. And I try to enjoy my life to my level of comfort. Rich and poor are relative notions. To someone living off of food stamps, finding a better paying job, or a job in general, might the best thing to happen that year. To the pro basketball/football player, a million dollars over a 5 year contract might be a negotiating point. Just the concept of having a million dollars in the bank even after a lifetime of work seems like an astronomical amount. Continue reading
watching the news during lunch i saw that there is a debate brought on by the worldcup. apparently the run by the us team had a record number of us viewers and this has caused an issue. some people see this as a good thing that we might be integrating more with the world while others see this as a possible diminishing in identity as a nation.
just makes me wonder how will we adapt to this.
food for thought.
-SFA