Cuba Trip: Days 1 and 2

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Prenotes: The majority of my written journal from the Cuba trip was typed word for word. There were some additions based on a few photos that were taken as pictures and prompts when there wasn’t time to write. I will be continuing to work on these entries and cleaning up the posts, predominantly in format and structure. The content is not expected to change… much. I hope anyone that was on this trip will feel free to comment and include their own information/thoughts. 

There were way too many pictures taken, as always. These can be found at: www.flickr.com/santasfallenangel/sets and in the Cuba folder.

As I was finishing my work on this trip and dividing it into entries, I finally got the news about of the opening of relations between the US and Cuba. History has a way of following us into the future.

Continue reading →

360

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As an adult I thought I was spared for the most part on having to deal with or even remember what it was like growing up and trying to stay true to oneself. I don’t think anyone can truly escape all pressures of youth and society growing up. Thankfully I don’t think I strayed too far from my core at any point in life. Maybe I was just too dense and single minded to care about the opinions of others. Since I can remember, life has been about moving forward and not looking back. I’ve wanted and tried to skip every graduation I’ve had. I already graduated, why waste the time to run through a ceremony and a piece of paper saying the proof will be coming in the mail? I’ve been comfortable being me at any stage, be it my current extroverted nature or my previous closet introverted state.

Until my first year in college I think of myself as having been a closet introvert. That closet door didn’t just open. It was irrevocably blasted into oblivion within the first month of being a freshman. My hallmates were crazy in just about every good way possible for me. They forced me to reevaluate every aspect of my personal life from how I viewed myself and the universe to how I externally interacted with the world. They took a whipcord runner of 125 lbs (yes I really weighed that little) and under their protective and nurturing wings dragged my ass to the gym to teach and show me about weight lifting. After weight lifting and continuing my running I graduated at 160 lbs. Not a bad bit of work. The people who know me now wouldn’t be able to recognize the person that existed back then, personalitywise that is. The weight is… um… on its way back down.

Recently I came across an older smartphone that I had been plugged in a less used area. I thought I would reminisce over text messages and get a smile. I’m writing this instead.

I was brought back to a present moment realizing that I’m still really dense at times to social situations and nuances. It’s not always easy. I started writing this a few months ago and I’ve written on many things and random things but this one felt more exposing of my inner self and it was left in draft form. I was reading something from Seinfeld recently and it moved me to continue writing this. While I may not be at the same place he is, I can identify strongly with him. You can see what he’s like on the outside in public situations but it’s the struggle inside that resonates with my soul. Here’s what he said:

http://www.nbcnews.com/nightly-news/jerry-seinfeld-brian-williams-i-think-im-spectrum-n242941

“I think on a very drawn-out scale, I think I’m on the spectrum,” said Seinfeld. “Basic social engagement is really a struggle. I’m very literal, when people talk to me and they use expressions, sometimes I don’t know what they’re saying. But I don’t see it as– as dysfunctional. I just think of it as an alternate mindset.”

What struck me when I was going through my texts had to do with some previous relationships. I am honest with myself that I have known about issues I have in relationships even if I don’t understand them and can approach them in a way that is beneficial for the other person. Basically I don’t think they could handle the type of person that I am and while in the past I have struggled to ‘fix’ myself in the hopes of making and keeping better connections (and girlfriends), being me is enough of a challenge that I’ll just stay who I am and hope for the best, being someone that gets me and can put up with me.

One of the relationships was definitely different than I’ve ever experienced. It was someone with I, and others, thought I was romantically connected with. Taking a spanish class together, dancing, dinner, etc. I did make a common choice (mistake?) of mine. I give without more thought into how it will be taken. I had a habit of buying practical gifts for the people close to me in life. That year I think it was 4 gauge long and heavy jumper cables. Hot and sexy and I know. But the health and well being of the people I choose to call friends is important. I should have realized something wasn’t going well when I presented her with jumper cables and after explaining why, she said that none of her close friends would ever do something like that. The knee jerk first thought was that something was wrong with me. Upon later reflection I felt pity that none of her close friends would ever do something like that. She seemed distressed that I was doing this. It’s this type of reaction from people that I don’t understand. Close friends of mine know me well enough now not to blink or pause when I do something like that. I’ve come to see that as a general idea, I’m not ‘normal’, which I’m totally fine with and couldn’t really be normal anyway. How I think and the way I act is the basis of who I am. I’m fine with that person.

I feel like I’m spinning out from stream of consciousness to babbling. It’s taken a while to come back to who I was and recognize myself. I’m glad to be who I am even at the cost of some possible friendships or relationships with people that don’t, won’t, or can’t ‘get me’ with all my quirks and weirdness. By no means will I shy away from trying to make connections with others, that’s just ingrained into me to be a connector, but I hope it won’t hurt so much when those people choose to not want to be a part of my life even for a short time.

I am SFA, hear me roar.

-SFA

screwed by Dell AGAIN!

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Argh! Screwed over twice by dell now. First with my XPS 630i being crippled but dell not fessing up until it was too late and now screwed again on my X51 R2. Was told when I bought it and read in the manual (still in the manual by the way) that you can setup a RAID 0 (two hard drives acting as one for increase in speed) but now being told I can’t do it and it’s too late to return since it’s been four months. On support person #4 from software this time I was told that the hardware can handle it but Dell crippled the BIOS. Dell I hope you fix it in the next BIOS release. Fornow Dell has now lost my business and I don’t/won’t recommend then to anyone else again. I miss Compaq. I had great customer service with them. Hopefully I won’t have to upgrade anything for years to come. #dell

What are you capable of?

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What are you capable of?

Humans are judgmental. We are prejudiced. How much and which areas may be the differences. These aren’t bad things necessarily. It’s how I function in linear time and with threat reduction. I imagine even the most enlightened person has preconceived notions about others. One who is not myself is… not me. A different set of experiences. A different life. A different upbringing. That’s one thing that makes me unique. It’s hard to look at anyone and know what they are thinking. What they will do. What their motivations are. That led to to my rule of “Anyone is capable of doing anything.” It helps to curb the surprise when someone does something I didn’t see coming.

When I judge I see that I do it in one way and/or a second way. In the first way, I compare a situation externally to how others may act/behave. Basically what would society do/expect. The other way therefore is the internal way in which I compare myself to a situation. To follow the rule of sorts, how capable is a person compared to what someone else in society could do versus what I myself am capable of. To a small degree I have identified a third way of comparing someone to themselves. For instance (and just the first thing to come to mind) when Bolt sprints I can compare him to other sprints he made in the past (third way). I can compare him to how others are sprinting (first way). He can compare himself on how he sprinted, while even a slower time might still be a 100% effort (second way). We all have off days. I even try to externalize the second way in that exact fashion and make excuses/reasons for them. People were talking about Djokovick and his playing ability after getting married. There was an article about how other players in the past have handled the burden of marriage, some playing better, some worse. In a second way, only he can truly say what is going through his mind. We use scores and tests to measure in the first way. Laws and judgements can be a first way method, how is one acting when compared to society and do we generally consider it appropriate and acceptable.

Other than sports, in everyday life, work and activities, I go through the same motions. I look at others and judge them on how I would or would not do something. When I do something I can judge how others are doing and in myself with what I’m capable of. That is one of the most important pieces. I wish I had written down when I read this idea but “know your limitations but don’t be limited by them.” Simple and profound and while not my original idea, is a rule for my life. I can only do 1-2 clean overhand pullups. Seriously, that’s it. I can compare my ability to how many others can do (a lot more usually) and how may I could do.Time and effort are my limitations. I could do 3 then 4 and so on.

Only through true introspection can I gauge what I am capable of and just how far I can push it. A group of kids are hiking and come across a cave. A bear emerges and starts coming toward them. One of the kids stops, leans down and starts to tie her shoes. Another kid yells and asks what she’s doing. She says, “I don’t have to outrun the bear, I just have to outrun someone else.”

-SFA

female cowardice

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I am both saddened and elated to have had another guy confirm this afternoon my own experiences with female cowardice. This happened at the grocery store of all places. He noted that I was buying a lot and that I must be the cook in the family. I returned that while I enjoy cooking, this wasn’t all for me. He then, without prompting, lamented about his recent experience with a text breakup, lucky guy. He seemed in his late 20’s/early 30’s.

I’m talking about dating and the apparent immaturity and/or lack of communication skills in a wide age range of women.

Some time recently I had met someone once for brunch and I thought things had gone well and we even made plans for a second outing. Alas, she backed out claiming fatigue from medication. I tried again the next day to communicate. No returned phone call or messages. No problem. People are working and busy and just give it some time. And yes, I’m still this naive. As seems the norm to me in the modern, and older, woman in this case, the method of lack/loss of interest is the silent treatment.  Now I’m presuming this person lost interest. In truth yes, they may have met someone that very evening and was swept off their feet or got scared with a ‘younger’ man or ran away to join the circus, hopefully not because of me, but I find those options unlikely. Not being interested is not my issue. If it was that easy, people might want to date instead of dreading it.

But why this behavior? I just don’t get it and it makes me a little angry. It’s not even a face to face rejection/let down. That’s a real adult and mature situation. In an age of text messaging and online sharing people seem to be less connected and more impersonal. The online dating process by itself is based on pictures and words and written conversation until they choose to take it to the phone or a meeting. What is so challenging about even saying “Thanks but not interested” by an online or phone message? The only thing less impersonal that I can think of is this silent treatment these women are so fond of. Perhaps their experience with this growing up leads them to think it’s an appropriate adult behavior.

I still can’t believe that I’m coming to terms with the idea that where once I would have become angry with a text message response, I would relish some form of communication, even a text message. Do these women lack so much in their lives that a simple very impersonal confrontation is beyond their coping/life skills? I had hoped in the past that it was reserved to a certain age group of women and that I would be fortunate with someone older and more mature to be able to handle open and honest communication. Alas, again, I have been proven wrong. I do not believe most men in general are wells of confidence overflowing thinking they are gods gift upon the earth. We carry fears as well. Is this a general female method or specific to the women I, and the gentleman at the store although he got a text message, have had the unfortunate luck to meet. I can only hope for this to be a specific group.

These experiences have not been without benefit however. They have weeded themselves out. Not only have they saved me time, money and effort, it reinforces my belief that a quality woman is that much rarer and should be treasured. It brings up the notions: One man’s junk is another man’s treasure and Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Some men might not want an intelligent and confident woman. This one seemed fine. Attractive, traveled, educated and teaching at the university but taking time for research, not an easy task. During the one meeting she seemed confident in herself. Perhaps misdirection and deception are skills while practiced by magicians might be second nature to women who may have had to learn these behaviors growing up to deal with other women or previous men in their lives.

Mars and Venus continue to be unaligned and I continue to remain baffled.

-SFA

 

EDIT: Unsaid but true, men are not immune to this issue as well. I am not immune to this issue and something to work on.

Tipping

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Random thought while watching some anime…

Even though I find the idea distasteful to tip I get it that they (profession that gets a tip) probably aren’t being paid well to begin with and they need this extra amount to make ends meet.

The question in my mind though is this percentage amount that gets used. Continue reading →

Tools and the future cyberlords

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I’m delusional or have been I think. For the first time ever, yesterday I glimpsed a possible future where a terminator/dune thinking machine scenario actually happens. It was a leap of ideas but it happened none the less. It starts with the phone.

Once again someone gave me the impression that my cell phone is their tool to have access to me. No! My phone is my tool to call others or take calls at my convenience. That’s what voicemail is for. Continue reading →

Nature’s Furious Beauty

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I think the pictures more than any words I could come up with share this experience. Over several days as I was passing through Santa Fe, NM I witnessed several great storms. I used either my Note II or Canon S110 to takes videos and then later went frame by frame (not something I recommend to someone else) to extract pictures. Some of these go from lightning to dark or dark to lightning, just to show the power released. It’s set as a slideshow with a 2 sec interval but you can scroll manually as well. Enjoy.

 

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faith

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faith is believing. the concept is simple enough. in parts of life for many people, faith can be rock solid and unwavering. hearing and seeing the word faith conjures up notions of something spiritual in nature. something that connects inside of us and resonates. through good times and bad having faith means that one continues to believe. hope is not a negative but something expected, the idea that there will always be a light at the end of the tunnel even if you can’t see it because the path is curved and is blocking the light. Continue reading →